Commentary and Criticism

[TheTableInTheSky]

This is just a collection of thoughts on various works posted on this site. We think the problem with most people when they write is that they try too hard to be deep and dark, and talk about the pain within their souls, cutting, unrequited love and simliar concepts. If you are just venting feelings, that's fine, but that does not make it poetry. The following are just a few critiques, and feel free to comment yourselves (please do).


Seraph Serenade (http://www.dollwizard.com/forums/showthread.php?t=5962)

How to spell / use appropriate grammar:

amoung = among
taunt = So, do you mean, um, we don't know, taut?
heel (What exactly is meant by this? Heel as in tilt? Heel as in the end of something? Or do you mean heal?)

Content:

Stanza 1: What? Please explain the trapped-in-a-tower-in-Heaven thing. Because we didn't think God was into that kind of thing. Unless you mean a different Heaven... Also, what debris? What is it and what... what?

Stanza 2: We guess that this is someone getting choked to death with lace? Because that's all we can figure out. So we guess we're not deep enough.

Stanza 3: Heel (see above note). What doors of steel? Honestly, we think you are just rhyming for the sake of rhyming. Nothing else to say really, although, it makes no sense.

Stanza 4: Same as the first, and still confusing. ( :D )

Stanza 5: Why is the belt being penalized? What did it do? What can it do? It's a belt! "...stained so worn it could melt" That whole scenario makes no sense. How do the two conditions of stained and worn relate at all? How could it being either stained or worn really make it more susceptible to melting? After all, it is leather. It does not melt. Regardless of how stained or worn it may be...it does not melt.

Stanza 6: Once again, we don't think this relates to anything at all. Also, you probably think that "Hell" and "veil" rhyme... well... they don't.

Stanza 7 & 8: Ok. So. You didn't need to repeat that stanza, and repeat it again, but changing that one line. You really could've just repeated it once. We think that might've been sufficient.

General Summary:

So... how did any of this relate to itself? There seems to be no real purpose to this poem, no meaning that can be drawn. And yes, we dissected the poem. Maybe your poetic vision is too much for us, maybe you're just too deep.

My Heart (http://www.dollwizard.com/forums/showthread.php?t=5988)

How to spell / use appropriate grammar:

1. sporadic Capitalization Is bad. (like this)
2."I was broke, yo." We be down wit dat, yo. No, no, We not be down with That, because we speak English Good.
3. Diff-rent. Yes, that's quite a diff-rent way to spell different. In fact, it's so diff-rent that it isn't a word. At all. It just isn't.
4. "torrne" Read this aloud and pretend you are Antonio Bandaras, then stop, please, and fix it.
5. Major issues with "croked". Um... We'd like to think you are going for the whole dialect thing, but it's not happening. (Read it like you think you're Scottish. "Ach! It's croked! The bloody thing is croked!! Ah, Donald! It's croked," said Andrew as they sat by the LOCH!)
6. Lier. We don't think your heart could be a...lier, because that isn't a word in the English language. And we're not exactly sure what the unnecessarily long ellipses (Just a note: the longer you hold down your finger on the period key, doesn't really make the pause any longer. For, you see, the eye doesn't...read the dots. So, it doesn't take us any longer to read the ellipses when there are about seventeen of them than when there are three. By the way, we don't really even see their purpose. Because, quite frankly, it's not like you were putting us in suspense. Just a thought) were for, unless you were contemplating the spelling of this nonsense word, and ended up with the short straw anyway. Unless, of course, you mean a lyre. In that case, no, we don't think your heart could be a musical instrument. Maybe...supposing it isn't too crazy...you could mean a liar. Naah. Of course not. You mean a lyre.

Content:
"I feel as if i was broke,or maybe i am."
So I'm kinda confused here. Are you broke? Or broke?
"I feel diffrent today and i`m not screaming yay!"
So, because of your poor punctuation skills, there are so many interpretations possible for this statement. Are you not screaming, "YAY!" or are you not screaming. Yay?
We don't even understand the last bit, so we have nothing more to say! :D


You Are...the one that I love... (http://www.dollwizard.com/forums/showthread.php?t=6487)

How to spell / use appropriate grammar:

*Woot! No spelling mistakes! Oh Yeah!*

1. Pick a tense and stick with it. :D

2. A note on the title: the ellipses are completely unnecessary. They are used for pauses and to say omitted words. The title would sound better without them. "You are the one that I love" Though, it is kind of like a sentence, it still is better.

3. This is a matter of opinion but, the last line would sound better if "I'd" was written out and not contracted.

Content:

There is just nothing fresh about it. It sounds like every other poem like it. No offense, it just does.

[Neon]

I L.O.V.E you. Glad to have you here in Dollwizard.

[Thinkbluethoughts]

I agree the grammar on some stories is pretty messed up but still poetry is poetry whether we understand it or not. But I do think people are just trying to sound ultra dark and mega disturbed. But if that's what they want then, hey, go with it.

[TheTableInTheSky]

I agree the grammar on some stories is pretty messed up but still poetry is poetry whether we understand it or not. But I do think people are just trying to sound ultra dark and mega disturbed. But if that's what they want then, hey, go with it.


Yes. That was our point from the beginning. Expressing your self is nice and all, but that does not always make it poetry.

[TheTableInTheSky]

I L.O.V.E you. Glad to have you here in Dollwizard.

We were surprised to have that reaction. Usually when there is a dissenting opinion, people say: "Burn the Witch!" and defend those who were objects of the opinion.

[Neon]

We were surprised to have that reaction. Usually when there is a dissenting opinion, people say: "Burn the Witch!" and defend those who were objects of the opinion.

Nah, I would not do that [:
I'm glad someone took the time to actually dissect the poems, and point out the obious that many other people seemed to ignore. Please, write more. And if you do tend to have a problem with people like that, feel free to pm me about it, because that would be harrassment, something like that, is not tolerated here.

[Starry_Catastrophe]

I agree with Neon,please post more if you can.This is helping "my" poetry over all also.

[TheTableInTheSky]

Walking in the rain (http://www.dollwizard.com/forums/showthread.php?t=10819)

How to spell / use appropriate grammar:

*You get a cookie! No misspellings!*

1. Big problem with the title. The first and last words of titles are always capitalised, unless you are e.e. cummings, and you're not.

Content:

Stanza 1: Walking in the rain to hide tears has to be one of the most cliched things in poetry. We're surprised that no one has said something along the lines of: "I'm standing in the shower to hide my tears." We really just hate the last two lines of the stanza. They just sound off, did you read this aloud before posting? Did you read it at all before posting?

Stanza 2: "'Cause I'm not going to you, no, never..." Don't go there girlfriend! Uh-uh! (Motown is dead.) We thought you washed out all the pain? Now it's back? Oh yes, sorry, we forgot, you just have sooo much pain that no one will ever understand you and the rain can't wash it all away. (Side note: We wish your repetition was consistent.)

Stanza 3: Fears just have never been mentioned before, and now suddenly we are supposed to care about them? The last line makes no sense. You're done with what? The poem? Walking? Living? Being afraid? We just don't understand.

[TheTableInTheSky]

I agree with Neon,please post more if you can.This is helping "my" poetry over all also.

We are glad this is useful, because that was kind of the purpose. Huzzah! :D

[TheTableInTheSky]

Prime example of poems trying to be dark:

the shortest poem ever... (http://www.dollwizard.com/forums/showthread.php?t=9848)

We only hope, they were not serious.

[Starry_Catastrophe]

I know,but sometimes people don't make the effort to read in all.
It is rather sad.

[TheTableInTheSky]

...(too many ellipses to count) not named (...(too many ellipses to count) not named)

How to spell / use appropriate grammar:

Sweet! You didn't spell anything wrong.

Content:

Stanza one: Keys. So how many are there? Why does he have multiple keys to his "thinking" (that will be addressed later)? Obviously, if there is more than one key to his "thinking" then having a key is not as important as you think. Now, we move along to the possibility of having a key to his process of thought. It is a place? Even metaphorically? If so, how? Because, really, you can't look inside of his thought process. You could see the way he thinks, but not the actual procedure itself. This leads us to believe that you might mean either "thoughts" or "mind" or, we don't know, something that might, well, make sense.

Stanza two:
So now
this is how
our poem
will be typed
until-suddenly-we-think-that-oh-no-we-can't-shorten-this-thought-to-make-it-few-enough-lines-and-so-we'll-try-to-squeeze-it-in-into-one-behemoth-"line"

Stanza three: "Being missed" throws off the entire poem. In what way do you mean? Do you mean as in he's...throwing something at you and it isn't hitting you? As in he's thinking about you longingly? As in he isn't seeing you? As in...what? Also, the "around some people" thing is really annoying. Because, again, what way do you mean? As in, just some people around you? As in, a specific group of people? As in, a specific group of people that includes him? Eh?

Stanza four: Well, girl, we were wondering why you chose to use the word "boy" in reference to him. It sounds like a mildly derogatory thing to call someone. And...yeah, what's with the single instance of rhyming? You don't rhyme anywhere else in the poem, except for where you spew that lovely little couplet. (Unless you tried arguing "exist" and "missed", but the fact is those two words...well, don't.)

[TheTableInTheSky]

You Don't Care. (http://www.dollwizard.com/forums/showthread.php?t=11269)

How to spell / use appropriate grammar:

Go buy a dictionary with that thesaurus.(We're not saying that "abundance" is this crazy, SAT-caliber word, but it's just being used inappropriately in this instance.)

Really? You can't expain? Well neither can we.

"Your off"? We didn't realise that he was in possession of "off". We wonder how that happened...

"Once I tell you don't care" really doesn't make any sense. Please punctuate accordingly.

"i'm"

Content:

Lines 5-7: Oh, of course. No one could ever feel as much pain as you do.

Setting aside the fact that we're not really sure what you mean by prying, those two lines would sound better as, "You beg and you plead,/You pry and you pry."

We weren't aware that there was informed pride. If you're trying to say that the pride is ignorant, well, an abstact noun can't be anything. However, we think you're probably implying that she is ignorant and proud. You should have phrased it more clearly, because quite honestly, pride and ignorance often coexist.

Lines 12-14 don't make sense. They just don't. We're not even sure where to begin trying to clarify what you could potentially mean. Maybe, we don't know, if it wasn't all once sentence, it might make a lot more sense.

[Neon]

Bump for the win. Keep those reviews coming.

[TheTableInTheSky]

* bump *

[TheTableInTheSky]

"Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative."
-Oscar Wilde

Just a little tidbit for inspiration :)

[zippythewild]

lolz i think the problem is that those who say, this is a good crit, this is good advice, that sort of thing... are the people who dont need crits and advice:D

[TheTableInTheSky]

Poem with no title yet... (http://www.dollwizard.com/forums/showthread.php?t=12544)

Line 1: You sound so pleased. Even thrilled. If you have to start it off like that, punctuate "wow" as though it actually were an interjection.
Lines 2-5: Once again, this isn't conjuring an indecisive tone. It's just a list of events. Almost reminiscent of Sir Thomas Malory's Le Morte D'Arthur, but in a bad way. In a way that bores us. The way line five is phrased doesn't really make sense.
Lines 6-14: Stop randomly rhyming. Please. Stop. Rhyme consistently throughout the poem, or just don't rhyme at all. It's that simple. And, be this fo' real, yo? (And, we'll take the time right now, out of our busy schedules, to tell you what you should do. Dump the guy on internet, go out with the guy you actually know. A relationship is much more meaningful when you actually can interact with one another without the beautiful, incandescent lights of the monitor illuminating your frantic, love-sick typing. (Also, frantic, love-sick typing often ends in very painful hand-cramps. So that alone should be discouraged as much as possible.)) It's not really...like two loves in one heart. It, well, kind of is. (This comment ignores the fact that that sentence doesn't make all that much sense. We understand the general idea.) The next line doesn't make a terrible amount of sense, either, but once again, we sort of understand. "But if they DO, I wouldn't know what to DO/What should I DO?" DO DO DO DO DO DO! You can't rhyme "do" with "do". It's just not something you DO.
Lines 15-20: If, in the course of writing this poem, you convinced yourself to stay with Luis, I don't really see the point in sharing. Not even with sharing the poem itself, just with sharing the dilemma. Because, obviously, it wasn't much of a dilemma. The last two lines don't make any sense. It's not even like the other ones, where we could at least somewhat grasp what you meant. What...what are you doing? Are you trapping them in a vortex of time? And, that one ending line is so incredibly melodramatic, when you started with, "Wow. John likes me. Whoop-dee freakin' hoo. Yay. I'm. So. Happy. My punctuation just screams mirth." A great change, we would say. But, not necessarily a very good one.

[TheTableInTheSky]

A Poem (http://www.dollwizard.com/forums/showthread.php?t=13018)

We don't think this should be designated as a poem. This should be designated as a run-on sentence.

[TheTableInTheSky]

tears i've cries (poem) (http://www.dollwizard.com/forums/showthread.php?t=13597)

First off, we appreciate the warm, heartfelt, fuzzy title. It's so heartfelt, in fact, that it's grammatically incorrect. And also: Grandma can't see like she used to. Please adjust your font size accordingly.

Line 1, or shall we say... you know, we don't think there's an actual poetic term for... that. Yay! You're... a pioneer... ahem: Please, why-why no punctuation? We know, this is poetry, and you don't always need to punctuate, but reading this first "line" is painful. It physically harms us to read this. It gives us ulcers. That being said, please, either punctuate or, dare we say it, break it up into new lines.

Line 2: So, tell us, why did you decide it was necessary to put the word "smile" (and here we emphasise the word, the one, single word) in this line. Why? Why is not good enough to go to the other behemoth line? Why did it get ousted? Was it not angsty enough for the first line? Just not cool enough to roll with the first line? "ti'l"? "ti'l"? Why was it necessary to place the apostrophe in the middle of the word? Don't, you know, put it before the 't'. Where it... belongs.

Line 3: Just a note: "that's" and "I" (Fix them.)

So, in conclusion, we would like to know what you were thinking, drinking, and/or smoking during the creation of this... poem.

[zippythewild]

care to critique my story the golden pearl, o cynical one?

http://www.dollwizard.com/forums/showthread.php?t=13521

[TheTableInTheSky]

Even though this isn't really our 'thing', we'll oblige you.

PART ONE

The Golden Pearl (http://www.dollwizard.com/forums/showthread.php?t=13521)

"It was an image, that Emerald could never forget."
Um. Yeah. Unless we're wrong, and we usually aren't, that comma is unnecessary.

"He was already much more than half way to the island; the repetition of rowing was so second nature to him."
If you're saying that the rowing was so totally like second nature to him, that's just annoying and makes you sound like a moron. However, if you're saying "so...that..." it's incomplete, since, well, there is no "that". (What we mean by that is a sentence like, "It was so bright outside, that I was blinded by the intense light of the fiery, golden orb hanging precariously in the brilliant sky." (That pretensiously, too.))

"Her eyes strayed to the city docks where she had seen Given cast off in his tiny row boat.
He was already much more than half way to the island; the repetition of rowing was so second nature to him. Emerald sat with her thumbs hooked into the belt loops of her jeans. The cold assaulted her, the constant swish of the waves thumped at her ear drums like the consistent tick of a clock. The salt in the air stung at her nose in a pleasant way. Given was getting close enough to see clearly in the dull morning light."
Only after a few moments of concerned rumination did we understand that Emerald had been watching Given as he left and was continuing to watch him. The wording in this particular passage is a bit confusing, and it's difficult to tell where, in regards to time, we are.

"His dark curly hair bounced about as he came closer and closer."
The repitition in the phrase "closer and closer" makes is sound very threatening. He sounds like a shark, and he needs the Jaws music to accompany him on this journey.

"Just as accustomed the boat was filled with wooden crates, half marked 'Do Not Open,' in red letters and the other half marked in green 'Perishable, Do Not Leave In Heat.'"
Even though we disapprove of the "just as accustomed" phrase, as it sounds awkward, if you must put it there, please punctuate properly. "Just as accustomed, the boat..." Otherwise, your readers will be left in suspense, but probably not the kind you would like. Instead, the reader will be wondering why the boat is named Accustomed.

"The boat was no longer small enough to squish between ones fingers, so Emerald jumped up and jogged to the old wooden dock only thirty feet away."
It would be better to say "her fingers", since you are talking about her. Otherwise, it implies that the boat was once small enough to squish between one's fingers, and that raises several questions: How did the boat grow? Why did someone build a tiny boat? Better yet, why a tiny, expandable boat?

"He stopped and looked down at Emerald who was kneeling against the post which she finished tying up some time ago."
We think most of the problem with this sentence lies in the word, "which". It doesn't really make sense, and changes the meaning of the sentence. As it stands, it's saying she tied up the post, which is a very peculiar activity. We're guessing that you mean she'd tied up the boat to the post.

"She was tempted to ask if he’d picked out trinket for her..."
He pick out trinket for her, caveman?

"If you don’t want to go I’ll just pick you something and if you don’t like it I’ll just give it back to my uncle."
Whoa, Moses! You need some commas.

"But right now we need to get these boxes up to chief."
Either, once again, caveman, we bring boxes to chief, and we also pick out trinket, or chief is a name, and should be written accordingly. Either way, this sentence is extremely misleading and confusing to the reader.

"It wasn’t exactly true though, she spent most of her time laying in the hammock that Given and her hand made when they were little which was outside Given's hut."
First of all, it wouldn't be "Given and her", regardless of what you are trying to say. Instead, "she and Given" is more appropriate. Secondly, we're really confused. So, did she and Given hand-make it when they were children? Or, did you have a typo and they had made it? Or, better yet, did her farm hand and Given make it when they were children? If so, why? Even still, regardless of what you mean, there's something amiss with your punctuation.

"But she didn’t want to mention simply because she didn’t want to accept it."
She didn't want to mention it, maybe?

"It was round, and had a porch wooden porch encircling it on all sides."
So, is "porch" supposed to be an adjective modifying "porch"? That's really amazing, if it is. "So, tell me, what does the porch of your new house look like?" "Well, let me think...hmm...it's very...porch." "Oh really? Porch? How fascinating! I wish my porch could be porch. But I guess it'll have to be a mere porch." (Or, what you could do, instead of taking out the ridiculously unnecessary "porch", is put "wooden porch" in parentheses, and it could be the great start for a really wonderful sing-along song for children! "...and had a porch! (wooden porch!)...")

"...his long thin spindly fingers held open."
If his fingers are spindly, chances are, they're also long and also thin. One of the adjectives (long and thin) wouldn't be that bad or annoying, but both of them is just excessive and irritating.

"He said in his old but sturdy deep voice murmured..."
What? Wh-what? That completely blows our minds!

"She dodged out of their glazed hypnotism by looking at Chief's thinning white eye brows."
It sounds like he's either going to drop dead at any moment, or he's a dog who's staring at a lovely, meaty bone.

Requests:
We created this special section just for you and your story! Because, we must say, there is a lot we want to happen in this story.

1. Bandaging scene! Please, dear God, Jesus God, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, Moses, Saint Patrick, Saint Dymphna, have a bandaging scene! We need to have this tension resolved through the ever-faithful cliche of the bandaging scene, where the strong, muscular youth has a frightful, bloody wound with crimson gushing from his muscular arm and his one, dearest love seductively winds the cloth she's torn from her own shirt around his muscular, bloody limb, and their eyes are shouting their longing, but their voices can only remain silent. Having that scene would make our lives.

2. Given needs to be given a gibbon.

Other Notes:

1. Your descriptions are really over-the-top and listy at times. It gives the story a very pretentious tone, and makes you sound like you're trying too hard to sound intelligent. You remind us of someone in a movie who writes like this, "It was winter. The grimmest hour of the darkest day of the year. The Golden Orb had almost disappeared behind the interlacing fingers of the hawthorn."

2. Why is Given named Given? It's incredibly agitating, and we're hoping that it has some symbolism somewhere in the story. If it doesn't, then we suggest a name change for this character, as it's extremely distracting. We also don't really like the name Emerald, either. It's kind of cliche.

3. We only pointed out the grammar issues that made it difficult to understand the sentence, or the thought you were trying to convey. There were at least several other, smaller mistakes that we didn't point out for convenience's sake.

[TheTableInTheSky]

PART TWO

"Every bundle of straw, and every brick of mud shined and bright as day."
So, we're guessing "bright" is now a verb? Interesting. We've now attempted several times to use bright as a verb, and we came up short each time. Either we're stupid, or it's impossible. We applaud you for your efforts in revolutionising the way the English language is used. Kudos.

"It was an image, that Emerald could never forget."
Wow! What's that? Deja vu? We feel like we've seen this sentence somewhere before...and equally as grammatically incorrect...

"She tripped on the porch to the Chief's hut, but once past the threshold darkness was no longer a trouble."
"Threshold, darkness", maybe? Otherwise, it's like you're describing the darkness as "threshold" and that makes no sense. Unless, of course, she's crossing some kind of time warp thing. Then, we suppose it's okay.

"...thudding of her hearts against her ribs."
Interesting. All this time, we thought she was human! So, we're guessing she's a mutant? We should have known. The clues were there...No. They weren't. We don't see why it's necessary for this girl to have multiple hearts, but we're kinda weirded out by the whole concept.

Other Notes:

1. Since the boxes are now a part of this crazy, trippy mystery, they should have had an enigmatic implication in the beginning. Because their actions in the first part seemed to be very routine and ordinary, it sort of implied that Emerald would have known what was in the boxes. Basically, the boxes should have had a bigger deal made of them earlier. Don't obsess over the boxes, but at least just mention the fact that their contents are unknown to Emerald at that time.

2. There is a lot of misplaced imagery in this. At times where a lot of description would be useful and necessary, there is a serious lack of it. But then, other times, when imagery really isn't all that important to the story, there's too much of it. (Jacket scene.)

3. Also, as this is essentially a note for all of the story so far, its pretentiousness is bothersome and distracting.

[TheTableInTheSky]

PART THREE

"Emerald was saddled onto her branch..."
Really? She saddled her branch? Not straddling it, surely! She obviously, got a saddle, hauled it up the tree with her, and then proceeded to fasten it onto the branch. She must be pretty strong, we'd say. And slightly misguided in her perserverance.

"'Your very smart Emerald.'"
Without proper punctuation, it seems as though he decided to answer that question by bringing attention to one of her emeralds that is rather intelligent. "Which emerald?" "Oh, that's right; the smart one!" As opposed to the stupid inanimate object? Well, we're glad he made that distinction.

"...began shake the branch beneath him..."
So, who's this Began fellow, and why is he shaking the branch? What a strange person!

"'They look like dead cows rotting in the sun.'"
This is our favourite thing you have ever said. Ever. In your whole life.

"'...your justing going to have to face it.'"
Wh-what?

"Once her had it in her hand..."
So, we've renamed her, Her, have we?

"She had ventured at lower her hand..."
We don't even understand what that's supposed to mean.

"She heard Chief's say softly."
What is his "say"? How does it make noise? Do we even want to know?

"Chief murmured his eye's becoming glazed."
(This comment ignores the fact that you keep putting that apostrophe there when it's completely unneccessary and wrong.) How does Chief murmur his eyes? Is that even possible? Probably not. At any rate, we have not seen or heard or encountered in any way, anyone or anything murmuring its eyes.

"He turned and walked to near by counter..."
What, caveman? Come again? He walk to nearby counter? And he pick out trinket and bring box to chief.

Other Notes:

1. This is definitely turning into reverse-Little Mermaid. A shell locket? The power of voice? A love interest to whom she thinks herself inadequate? A love interest who's of use in a boat?

2. You know, your commas are very similar to your imagery: you use them too much when they are unnecessary, and you don't use one when it's appropriate.

3. Um...so where are they? If this is supposed to be keeping us in suspense, it's annoying and makes the reader lose interest. So, where are they? An island for learning? They have modern things and yet they live primitively. Apparently, there is a city, as well, with a factory and everything. We just don't understand where they are.

4. As a whole, we don't care about these characters or their problems. There needs to be character development. The characters are all rather stark. We have no real reason to care about these people and their issues. This apathy might be also due to the fact that the plot and the problems are very cliche. It's like a combination of several different cliche plots that you have turned into one behemoth of a cliche story with predictable outcomes. We understand that it can be difficult to avoid using these archetypes over and over again, but it gets annoying when they are written like this. Try to make this plot and these problems seem fresh. Make us care. Make us think that we haven't heard this entire story before. Make it less predictable. Part of the reason it is such a cliche archetypal story is that you don't use the archetypes to your own advantage. You add nothing new to their mix. They are the same characters that people have been writing about and telling of since the beginning of time. :)

[SiriuslyRemus]

You have NO idea how much I want to sticky this. It's so nice to see somone who doesn't sugar coat details. Um... I was wondering if you may be willing to take a look at a poem of mine? Please? Here's the link, if you have time, please take a look. http://www.dollwizard.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1933639#post1933639

[TheTableInTheSky]

Anti-Suicide Resolution (http://www.dollwizard.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1933639#post1933639)


Stanza 1:

Lines 1 and 2: "Sick of sorrow, suicide,/I'm sick of all the pain." The comma after the first line is pretty awkward. If 'suicide' wasn't there, it would seem more appropriate. Right now, it's a mad-crazy comma splice.

Line 3: "I'm simply sick of the way death's become so plain." So do you want death to become more dramatic? Do you want Death to don her flashy red dress and go out on the town? So is death in general plain? Is old people dying in their sleep not giving the thrill it used to?

Line 4: "Cutting's suddenly just so commen," 'Common', anyone?

Line 5: "Poems consist of, 'Slit my wrists, Amen.'" Praise Jesus! Amen! That is so painfully out of place and grossly inappropriate. We would just like to know what Jesus has to do with anything. If you're going for the whole definition thing, since all prayers are punctuated by 'amen', it's still extraordinarily uncalled for. ("Uh-uh! Did she just go there?" "I think she did!" "Uh-uh!") This is not a prayer, nor does it have anything to do with religion. The reference is silly.

Stanza 2:

Line 6 and 7: "What's wrong with this world in its state of depression?/So many people seem to need a counseling session." We don't think that your intention was to be funny, but that just sounds like a parody of lame emo kids. (And their hair fangs.) It just sounds like something in a joke song, when the rest of your poem is quite siriuslyremus. (Oh, we crack ourselves up.)

Line 8: "This bomb desperately needs diffusion." How is it like a bomb, exactly? Are you saying it's a bomb because it exploded in popularity? Otherwise, we don't understand your art.

Stanza 3:

Line 10: "Pain is not my cup of tea." We hate this line with everything that is in our souls. It's like pain being rather bothersome. Who compares pain to a cup of tea? Really? Let's be sirius here. Usually you compare things to a cup of tea when they are harmless.

Stanza 4:

Line 13: "Every one feeling sorry for them selves," Everyone feeling sorry for themselves.

Line 14: "Great, put the people who do care on shelves./By saying, 'No one cares for me.'" Firstly, if that is supposed to be one sentence, you need to take out that period. Secondly, we don't understand your metaphor. We sorta understand where you were going with it, but it fell short of the impact it was supposed to have. Mostly, it makes no sense.

Line 16: "If you want to die fine," Then boy, do I have a product for you! It's called the Dead Person's Guide to Lookin' Good! Clearly, there are some punctuation issues here.

Stanza 5:

Line 20: "Before people say look what you did." Yeah. Great. Look what you did. You went and killed yourself. Dumbass. We don't understand how they are scolding a dead person. Unless that line is just about cutting and not suicide, in which case, you need to be more clear about that.

Overall:

Whoa man, that's some crazy punctuation you got there and sporadic rhyming. Dude...

The overall theme was Table approved. The errors were distracting, however.

[SiriuslyRemus]

Thank you. This review was probably the most humorouse way I've ever been told these things. Though, I have to say I'm glad you were willing to review. Thanks allot :)

[TaeKwonDoGoth]

Wow, I never really looked at it in such a way. You prove a VERY valid point. In fact people who waste their energy and time to describe their so-called "feelings" in a long, over-exagerated list with rhyming schemes should just think before they post the poem because, as I see it, the feelings you are trying to project do not always show to the readers unless you have clear, descriptive words which can be read with ease. Oh, one more thing: Proof-reading is the most helpful thing a writer or poet can use.

Anyway, great criticism; I think you showed some light upon this section of Dollwizard, and I hoped I might just say a few quick words. Thanks!

[TheTableInTheSky]

No problem. The Table never refuses a challange! Just scroll up and look at that stroy review.

[hissing]

hey could you take a look at my poems? XD
http://www.dollwizard.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1938219#post1938219

[SiriuslyRemus]

Would you be terribly angry if I stickied this page? I think it could be usefull to a lot of people to see some honest reviews and such.

[TheTableInTheSky]

Not at all.

[TheTableInTheSky]

Sweet! Our page is a Sticky!

Hissing, we will critique your poems (all of them) as soon as possible! Like we said: The Table never turns down a challange!

[TailsNyne]

2."I was broke, yo." We be down wit dat, yo. No, no, We not be down with That, because we speak English Good.
Sorry, sorry. xD I just thought I'd point this out. Wouldn't it be, We speak English well?

[TheTableInTheSky]

Sorry, sorry. xD I just thought I'd point this out. Wouldn't it be, We speak English well?

That was the point.

[Charmless_Anachronism]

When you critique someone, it is only right to make them aware of your comment. If you want them to better their works, wouldn't you want them to see their reviews? So, if you are just linking poems without the author's permission or linking without telling the author, I would make the author aware. They posted their own thread for a reason. They probably wanted critiques on the threads pertaining to their poems. I know I would prefer a comment on my own page. I think it would be nice to send them your review or post it on their own threads if you haven't been doing this already.

[TheTableInTheSky]

Some More Of My Poems (http://www.dollwizard.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1938219#post1938219)

Poem 1:

How to spell / use appropriate grammar:

"What hurt the most is that you dont return the same feelings"

don't.

The tense is confusing. We aren't really sure which tense this is supposed to be in. Either: "What hurts the most...don't" which would be the present tense or "What hurt the most...didn't" which would be in the past. Or, you could be correct and you mean that it hurt when you found out and he still doesn't care. We just aren't sure.

"That you are more important that you think you are"

We hope you mean "...than you think you are". Otherwise, we don't know what you mean.

Content:

"What hurt the most is that you dont return the same feelings"

We are displeased with the end of this line. When one returns, one goes back to wherever one was previously. When one returns feelings, one does not give back feelings other than the feelings originally given to one. Basically, "same" seems redundant. If it were changed to something like "...don't return my feelings" it would flow better and would also cut down the syllables in that line. And we would like fewer syllables in that line. (We hope that explanation made some sort of sense.)

Overall:

Your poem fills us with apathy. Complete apathy. We're not even really sure what to say. That's how apathetic we feel.

Poem 2:

How to spell / use appropriate grammar:

By the way: Any time you use a contraction, you need an apostrophe between the 'n' and the 't', or, basically, just wherever you leave out letters. With that in mind, we give you this list:

don't
can't
weren't
I'm (and, by the way, in the English language, the pronoun 'I' is always capitalised. Always. Until the end of time it will be capitalised. Always.)

"togther"

I am Togther Forkbeard, Lord of Boar and Mead, Thor's Chosen One. (And my wife brews some pretty good ale.) I've raided all the monasteries in Ireland...twice! My son is a berserker and he's killed thousands of Picts! ... We guess you mean 'together'.

"suppose"

Supposed.

"focus"

Focused.

Content:

"But, you just keep looking down on yourself
Saying that you werent meant to be"

At first, we thought we'd read that wrong, and you'd said, "we weren't". But, no, you said "you". We dislike how that is phrased. It would be better to find another way to say that. We assume you mean not meant to be as in not meant to exist. Otherwise it just sounds like you mean a couple or something. Just figure out another way to say that.

Overall:

We aren't sure what this poem is about. To us, it sounds like this poem is taking someone else's pain and making it out to be inconvenient for them. The poem doesn't flow very well because of the confusing and unclear subject. It begins with someone talking about how they are in pain. Then how this other person is in pain. Then "Omg! You are cool!" "NO! I'M NOTHING!" Then... it whines again. And honestly: "When im empty inside/And you DO see?" makes no sense. We just don't know how that correlates. What are they supposed to be seeing? Or do they see it? What is even going on? Let's be serious here.

Poem 3:

"Why and I the only one"

Why and I? Really? You know Why? Dude, man! We totally hung with Why last summer, man! We called him up the other day and were all like: "Hey man! You should totally come over!" And, you know what? He did!

And you know what else? You aren't the only one. Ok? You aren't. Other people can also feel pain. Pain, and this may come as a shock to you, is not exclusively for those who have hair fangs, whine, or are teenagers. Everyone feels pain. But, shhh, that's a secret.

Believe you me, there are a lot of people who suffer.

Africa
Jews
India
South America
Latin America
Asia
Poor people
People with real problems
People whose parents are abusive alcholics and their family doesn't care and everyone hates them and beats them and makes fun of them
People who are raped
People who are dying
People who are insane
People who have cancer
People who have any kind of potentially terminal disease
Catholics being discriminated against by Baptists or any other sort of Protestant
Anyone who is discriminated against
Minorities
Muslims
Arabs
Non-Arabs being stupidly mistaken for Arabs and then being discriminated against
People in any kind of abusive relationship
People in any kind of abusive relationship where legs are being bitten
People getting divorces or some sort of separation like that
Blind, deaf, dumb people
Handicapped people
Gays
Lycanthropes
Wolves
Pandas
Whales
Wales
People being oppressed by England or any other ridiculous imperialistic power
Cows who aren't milked
People who have to deal with people who are passive-aggressive...
And many other sundry examples.

Poem 4:

This poem is just filled with contradictions. Forever, well no... I take that back, maybe not forever. But then you'll say forever again, then say, no... probably not...

Poem 5:

Is why the title? Or just emphasis?

"I forget to breath?"

Ha ha ha. You forget to breath! Oh silly... are ya sure you don't mean 'breathe'?

"Why is it
Whenever I love you
I feel pain?"

Because you are whiney. And you probably have a hair fang.

*We would like to apologise for the slack critique. We just didn't care that much.

[hissing]

lol...i know other people feel pain, note the little thing i wrote before the poem. Also, i type to fast, i dont know why you should see stories i type out...there bad....really bad XD. And i make many mistakes because i type fast. Thank you for the suggestions ill keep them in mind as i randomly write down more poems...maybe i should make them beter before posting? lol. Oh and one thing, my poems arent suppose the fill you with emotion, they are suppose to relive me of mine XD lol weird i know. tehee Togther that made me laugh really hard. And why are you making fun of my friends name? Why is a cool guy! (note: this is a joke XD). Im whiney when i write....i am but you should have a friend that complains non stop lol XD. Oh yeah one more thing you kept saying WE, im hoping you have friends there to help and that you dont have another personality. Although im quite open the the fact that people have other personalitys.
~hissing

[Empress Of The Stars]

I thought this was a really great review/thingy of the poem! People, if you're venting your emotions you should either keep them on PAPER or at least spell check them AFTER you type really fast!!! I know I make lots of mistakes too... but sometimes - argh!! It just gets a little too much!!

[foxed_spirt]

Neon said it.
I love you.
I love you, I love you, I love you!
You are so much like my family!
{Yes, they are HUGE critics.}

You helped me.
Fantastic job, Table.

[<Lilith.:.Winters>]

Beautiful. Genius. Will you marry me? ;DDD

Haha, I'm only kidding...or am I?

O.o



Anyway, I'd love to see more critiques! :]
Keep it up! ♥

[TheTableInTheSky]

Jumping off a cliff...Will you jump with me? (http://www.dollwizard.com/forums/showthread.php?t=31020)

How to spell / use appropriate grammar:

First off, 'I' is always capitalised.

'ryme' = 'rhyme'

Content:

"Jumping off a cliff.
Will you jump with me?"

No. We won't. Sorry to disappoint. We don't have a problem with this part of the poem, but we felt we should answer.

"Bleeding from my wrists.
Will you bleed with me?"

Nope.

"I never asked much of you
Just that you do what i do
Not to make me the only one
To do the things i've done"

Ok. So. You want this person to do everything you do? Which is apparently not a lot? Just to compensate for your lack of self-confidence? Or do you want to become a joint person? If so, why? Why would you ever want to do that?

"Killing myself on the inside.
Will you kill yourself with me?"

Nah...

"Showing my pain through loving you.
Will you love me too?"

We're not sure we understand the first line. You are demonstrating your pain by loving that person? Is it really that painful to love that person? That person who you want to be your puppet/shadow/otherself? By the way: No.

"Please just do it with me
Make me the only one
Hurry before this ryme is done"

We thought that by that person doing these things with you, that would make you not the only one, but now... you are pleading with this person to do these things with you so that you can be the only one? That blows our minds.

"Loving you with all my might.
Will you love me?"

We already said 'No'. Stop asking.

[TheTableInTheSky]

Beautiful. Genius. Will you marry me? ;DDD

Haha, I'm only kidding...or am I?

O.o



Anyway, I'd love to see more critiques! :]
Keep it up! ♥

Yes. We will marry you. :D

[<Lilith.:.Winters>]

Yes. We will marry you. :D


*Le Gasp*
YAAAAAY!!!!!
[-Insert Girly Squeal Here-]

Wait..."we"?
=O



Jumping off a cliff...Will you jump with me? (http://www.dollwizard.com/forums/showthread.php?t=31020)

How to spell / use appropriate grammar:

First off, 'I' is always capitalised.

'ryme' = 'rhyme'

Content:

"Jumping off a cliff.
Will you jump with me?"

No. We won't. Sorry to disappoint. We don't have a problem with this part of the poem, but we felt we should answer.

"Bleeding from my wrists.
Will you bleed with me?"

Nope.

"I never asked much of you
Just that you do what i do
Not to make me the only one
To do the things i've done"

Ok. So. You want this person to do everything you do? Which is apparently not a lot? Just to compensate for your lack of self-confidence? Or do you want to become a joint person? If so, why? Why would you ever want to do that?

"Killing myself on the inside.
Will you kill yourself with me?"

Nah...

"Showing my pain through loving you.
Will you love me too?"

We're not sure we understand the first line. You are demonstrating your pain by loving that person? Is it really that painful to love that person? That person who you want to be your puppet/shadow/otherself? By the way: No.

"Please just do it with me
Make me the only one
Hurry before this ryme is done"

We thought that by that person doing these things with you, that would make you not the only one, but now... you are pleading with this person to do these things with you so that you can be the only one? That blows our minds.

"Loving you with all my might.
Will you love me?"

We already said 'No'. Stop asking.


Oh my god. That was just too hilarious! xDD
Great update. This is definitely one of the best threads out here in the Creative Corner. :D

[TheTableInTheSky]

We suppose if we are all going to get married we should tell you, there are two people at the Table, and three in this 'relationship'.

That one wasn't even our best critique! Personally, the ZippytheWild one was the best.

[<Lilith.:.Winters>]

We suppose if we are all going to get married we should tell you, there are two people at the Table, and three in this 'relationship'.

That one wasn't even our best critique! Personally, the ZippytheWild one was the best.

Ah! Well, I find no problem in that! xDD

Haha, I read that critique (yes, ALL 3 parts to be true), and I believe you're right. ^^

But alas, this last one was short, sweet, and to the point. Not to mention humorous! For some reason, it's my favorite. ♥ But, eh, that's just my preference. :p

[TheTableInTheSky]

We either proclaim you a genius, or you've just confused us into a corner.

How to spell / use appropriate grammar:

"releave" = relieve
"self pity" = self-pity
"Theres" = There are or There're

Content:

"Frustration can be easy to releave.
Though I take the road of difficulty.
The pain I want to recieve.
The relief it gives me.
The rush of neutral self pity."

Although 'though' and 'but' mean essentially the same thing, using 'but' in place of 'though' would help to convey the message more clearly. It makes it sound like you are more definitely contradicting the previous line.

We don't think that self-pity is neutral. In fact, it's pretty one-sided.

"I can cut my wrists.
Or liters and blisters.
Sex or drugs."

We think you should use 'could' instead of 'can'. Everyone knows you are physically capable of cutting your wrists. Unless you have no wrists to cut. By using 'could' it implies that you could but something is stopping you.

We just don't understand what you are trying to say. What do you mean by 'liters'? This is, for once, something we'd actually like answered and are not just being jerks. Perhaps you mean lighters! We seriously just thought of that! Dude!

"Theres so many ways I can relieve myself of frustration."

This just throws off the rhythm because it's a whole sentence. Before, you were using a bunch of sentence fragments, and by switching it up, it throws off the emperor's groove.

"I want the world to cave in.
My mind stop workin.
The pain pushes me down.
So the world stops spinning.
My heart stops beating.
My mind quits screaming.
So many ways out."

We think that you should change "My mind quits screaming" to "My mind stops screaming" to keep it consistent. Or change another one of the 'stops' to something other than 'stops' or 'quits'.

[TheTableInTheSky]

All we will say is this: If an individual has a problem with our critiquing his or her work, he or she can come to us and complain. It is not your responsibility to police the Creative Corner to make sure no one's feelings get hurt. No one, in our memory, which, admittedly, is a little fuzzy, has ever complained to us about our doing one of their own works, and as you can see, we've actually gotten requests. We do not write critiques if someone requests that no one do, or tells us specifically not to. So, frankly, we don't see why we should take your comments into consideration. Sorry. (Kinda.)

(And if you're trying to offend us, nice try. But we are pretty stout of heart.)

[gaara-is-smexy4596]

Do you think you could critique some of my poems and a story?
I'm the one who made the topic on the egameaddiction thing.

Story:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4133788/1/A_Troubled_Past

Poems:
http://www.egameaddiction.com/forums/index.php?topic=9798.0

[TheTableInTheSky]

Will do.

[TheTableInTheSky]

Story:
We don't think that we should be critiquing fan-fiction. Fan-fiction is a whole different sort of thing. We would first have to know who these characters are and then go off that. Basically, we'd have to know everything about everything people write fan-fictions on, and we honestly have other things to be doing.

Poems:

Imitation of: The Dream Keeper by Langston Hughes

For right now, we just want to know why you re-wrote that poem. Were you so unsatisfied upon reading it, you felt that you needed to improve it? Frankly, we see nothing wrong with Langston Hughes' poem, but OK.

Who I Am

We feel this isn't a poem as much as it is a list of things you like.

Ayúdeme

Congrats on your first poem! :D

This would be a great blues song. Probably not what you were going for, but it's awesome that way. In fact, we'll even perform it for you and send it to you.

As far as grammar and spelling goes, it's fine. There is nothing really to say about this other than that. It seems like an introduction to something. Maybe, if you continued it in a epic poem?

The Demon Inside

Once again, it doesn't seem like a poem. It's sorta like stream of consciousness... kinda.

[SiriuslyRemus]

Hi, I was wondering if you might be willing to critique my story? It's only the first two chapters, but I'd really like some feed-back as I'm going along. Here's the link - http://www.dollwizard.com/forums/showthread.php?t=34476

[coeur]

Imitation of: The Dream Keeper by Langston Hughes

For right now, we just want to know why you re-wrote that poem. Were you so unsatisfied upon reading it, you felt that you needed to improve it? Frankly, we see nothing wrong with Langston Hughes' poem, but OK.


Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Plenty of poets imitate the poets of earlier ages; for example, Sappho's poetry has been famously rewritten for several millennia after her existence. The early English Renaissance writers imitated Petrarch endlessly; Sir Thomas Wyatt rewrote several of Petrarch's poems to fit the sonnet form. Imitation is in itself a homage to those who inspire.

[TheTableInTheSky]

Well, that's all well and good, but we felt, upon reading the original Langston Hughes poem, that she'd just changed around a few phrases and used synonyms. And we don't really see the point in doing that. (This case, of course, being special from the ones you mentioned and from even our example, since it was required of her for a class.)

[TheTableInTheSky]

Hi, I was wondering if you might be willing to critique my story? It's only the first two chapters, but I'd really like some feed-back as I'm going along. Here's the link - http://www.dollwizard.com/forums/showthread.php?t=34476

Sure.

Chapter One- Part 1

"So it was quite the surprise when he awoke suddenly from his very vivid dream."

This sentence is really awkward. Maybe it's because the word 'very' was used just a moment ago. It's just an annoying sentence. And we've dwelled on this for far too long because it doesn't make sense.

"He leapt out of bed and grabbed a pen and paper, scratching his dream down furiously onto is."

"Something in him felt unusually grateful that he was able to leap up..."

Can we pick another way to phrase getting out of bed? Or his actions in general? "As he scratched down the story..." Let's be serious here.

"...expanded upon as a book." Awkward. And why does he have to do that anyway?

The paragraph explaining (kinda) the dream doesn't sound all that enticing. It's just a bunch of statements. Great. That's great he was in a wheelchair. It's great that he had a sister named Samantha. It's great they went on a quest. But we don't care. We don't know why we should care at this point. That explanation (kinda) didn't explain anything cool. Or do anything to excite us.

We think you should have written that story Daniel is writing. Because it would be really cool to read a story about a kid questing in a wheelchair.

"...each did whatever they pleased..."
"...they did what they pleased."

Redundancy crucifies Jesus. Again and again and again.

"One whom he had planned on pairing with the young girl suddenly turned out to be gay, and refused to not be."

Move 'with' to be between 'one' and 'whom'.

"Called his mother."
"He cried down the stairs."

So here's a grammar rule to log away: In dialogue, when a statement is spoken, and then followed by an out-of-dialogue "he said", "she cried", etc., the initial period is incorrect and should be replaced by a comma. For example:
CORRECT: "I hate you," she told her idiot boyfriend.
INCORRECT: "You're a whore." he replied.
Understand?

"Grudgingly he trailed downstairs, covered in ink and paler than before he had begun writing."

Grudgingly, he (not trailed) downstairs, covered in ink and paler than he was before he had begun writing.

"'Mum, I’m 15, I can make my own decisions.'"

He's just a bundle of teenage angst, isn't he? Okay, Harry Potter.

"Silently he ate the sandwich his mother had given him, eating quickly though without much gusto."

Silently, he ate the sandwich his mother had given him, eating quickly, though without much gusto.

"Joann was her name."

Thanks. Thanks for making a new paragraph. Oh-oh no wait, you didn't. :D <- Assh*le grin.

Why the hell is he always trailing places? It doesn't even make any sense anyway. We understand what you mean, but remember each time you repeat the same verb unnecessarily, Jesus is crucified again.

"He trailed back upstairs, showering as his mother had said."

Hahaha! So does he have a hose? Watering can? Buckets? Or does he have a little rain cloud that follows his angst because his mum wants him to conserve water? Was their bill last month too high or something? Jeeze, mum, why don't you just stop washing your car every day? You know how much water that wastes? We mean- he can always be hosed down with the car. Frankly, we don't know why he's showering as he is going upstairs. Oh! It's a high-tech staircase! Duh!

"The three boys, their names were Jack, the same as his brothers he didn’t wonder at it, Serpens, he hated constellation names but it was right, and Felan, which he’d never heard before, and which he thought he’d look up to see if he’d made it up or not."

Whaaat? Their names were Jack? All of them? Isn't that confusing? "Jack, why didn't you clean your room when I asked you to?" "But, Mum, I did!" "No...why are you answering for your brother?" "I'm not my brother!" "Yes, you are!" "I'm Jack!" "And I called for Jack!" "What? Mum?" "Go clean your room!" (Moments pass.) "Jack!...Jack..." (Silence.) "Jack! Why are you dead?!" To return to the point, that sentence was a whole bunch of what the hell. And, once we deciphered the meaning of this intense code, we thought: doesn't Jack feel inadequate? So, Serpens is at school, and they're talking about their families, and someone says, "You've got some interesting names in your family. Serpens, Felan...What's the other one's name?" "Jack..." "Jack? Oh. Well..." We think Jack'll have some psychological issues to hammer out later. But right now, you've got some grammar to hammer out. Some correct grammar. Comma splices and run-ons make baby Jesus cry. (We don't know why we keep threatening you with Jesus.)

"Three days later and Daniel was getting worried."

It was three days later, and Daniel was getting worried.

"This was coming to easily."

'too'

"Each time an idea came to him it came with a sense that it was a wisp of half forgotten experience."

Each time an idea came to him, it came with a sense that it was a wisp of a half-forgotten experience.

"revelation like" revelation-like

To
Too
Two

"Experiences he’d never before considered he could recall as vividly as if he’d been there."

Experiences he’d never before considered, he could recall as vividly as if he’d been there.

"...but now he was beginning to become worried..."

Poor, poor Jesus...

"Maybe he was becoming schizophrenic and this character was really his alternate personality?"

Let us tell you something about schizophrenia: it isn't multiple personality disorder. You hallucinate, are often delusional, but you don't develop an "alternate personality".

"...going to explode..."
"...might explode..."

Save a saviour, use a thesaurus.

"...affects."

You affect something, which creates an effect.

"...well enough used."

That doesn't make sense. Like, they aren't used in the most efficient way all the time? Not, you know, often, or anything. But that his legs are not being used to their full potential.

"sonata’s"

Pluralising incorrectly makes Mary give baby Jesus a rattle coated in lead paint.

"He reached down, reaching for the wheels of a wheelchair that wasn’t there."

"could have been’s, might have been’s, and must be’s."

So...about that rattle...

We're sick of pointing out redundancy. We're running out of catchy things to say about Jesus.

"mothers"

No.

"Daniel ran downstairs into to living room..."

Yes, caveman.

General note: Use italics, not all caps. ALL RIGHT? All right.

"His brain recognized it from both sides, something his mother played often enough."

What?

"The keys were soft on his rough fingers, very smooth and well worn."

Oh, keys made from butter. (Well-worn, by the way.)

"used to be nothing be squiggles"

Hahaha.

"Clumsily he fumbled out with the fingering..."

We really don't understand why "out" is there.

"He pulled away from the piano, falling backwards over the seat."

That's a little bit of an overreaction.

"...and he didn’t even know where the hell she was."

That's really funny, because it isn't him thinking that, it's the narrator. The narrator is getting a little pissy, now, eh?

"...of his rocker..."

"...allot..."

So, who is this Allot of Money?

General Notes:

-Decide on the mother's name. Is she Anne or Joann? Because it was Joann, then Judy was the dream mom, and Ann was Samantha... but suddenly, she was his real mum? Wow.

-Check your case at the end.

-There were a lot of grammatical issues (commas mostly) that we didn't comment on. There were just too many.

The Table is a very lazy table and will one day continue this for the rest of the story. But not now.

[RisingDemon]

Im quite glad that someone takes the time to glance at these, correcting punctuation.

[TheTableInTheSky]

no critisism...

I felt the icy blade touch my throat.
Threatening to kill me.
The wind blew and blew,
the night froze with fear.
My eyes flicked to my side,
only to see and hand.
The person behind nowhere in the shadows
had decided to kill me now.
Then, a voice that belonged to no one whispered in my ear
...Die...

If you do not desire criticism, then why did you post?

[TheTableInTheSky]

Firstly, we don't see why posting about somebody dying is necessary. Secondly, we don't see why it was necessary to post that in this thread. In fact, we highly discourage this kind of posting, as it has absolutely nothing to do with the thread.

[TheTableInTheSky]

We never said you couldn't like what you want to like. We're searching in vain for some kind of relevance. What you're saying doesn't even sound like it's relevant to anything else you've said. We really just don't understand why you're saying anything you've been saying. We thought this pointless argument had ended. For someone who hates us so much, we'd think you'd just stop coming in here and saying things that are clearly supposed to bring offense to us, though we aren't quite sure how.

And just to clear this up for anyone who may be a bit confused: this thread is not intended to be used by people to just post completely random poems. It is intended to be used by people seeking commentary and criticism on their works, and by people who would like to read criticism on other people's works, the main goal of both of these things being to improve people's writing skills. Thought we'd just mention that... The title may be a bit misleading, after all...

[SiriuslyRemus]

InuIvy, please stay off of this thread. There is no need to attack Table. You did not need to post your poem here, you could have made a seperate thread. Any further posts by you on this thread will be deleted.

[SiriuslyRemus]

I appreciate trying to help a friend, but you can do so without starteing a fight. In future, take it to a PM don't flood threads.

[Arruruu]

Any chance you could take a peek at my short story and my poem?Please?

The Story

http://www.dollwizard.com/forums/showthread.php?t=35907

The poem

http://www.dollwizard.com/forums/showthread.php?t=35920

[TheTableInTheSky]

The Brother That Saved Her (http://www.dollwizard.com/forums/showthread.php?p=2558570#post2558570)

( This is just something random I did with a few of my Medieval Fantasy roleplay characters. Feel free to critique/Post constructive criticism)
Agana stood at the edge of the cliff, looking down as the water crashed up against the rocks below her.

This would be the end for her. She had nothing left to live for, the war was over, her tyrant of a father was dead, as well as her own lover. It was over....

She touched the necklace that Rasui had given to her. "You were the last bit of sanity I had left."

"Agana!" He had found her standing on the edge of a cliff he could only guess what she was about to do " Agana, wait!" He tried to go further, but was blocked by a force field, more than likely put up by his half sister. "Agana, you don't have to do this..."

The half-demon turned to him, a small, sad, smile on her lips"And who says I don't have to? Who says I don't want to?"

"Agana...." he said, looking at her with pleading eyes
The wars over, you killed him! You saved them...The people don't hate you anymore..."


"They may not hate me anymore. But they could never love me. I'm a half-demon; I was Inoko's daughter, the 'Blood Rain". They could never forget that... No one could ever love a monster like me; no one could ever care for me, not like Rasui did."

" Agana, I care about you." he said quietly " I love you,you're my little sister."

" Don't give me any of that!" She snapped, before softening slightly " I know that promise you made to mother....That you would protect me. I'm grateful for that, but I just wish..I wish you did it,because you really cared." She said sadly, turning back around and glancing over her shoulder "So I guess this is good bye, my dear half-brother."

"NO!" Some how Aidan broke through the force field, rushing forward, and grabbing the girls arm, just as she was about to jump

He pulled his little sister away from the cliff, falling back onto solid ground with her. Wrapping his arms around her as the girl tried to pull away. Aidan held onto her as best as he could. " You idiot!" He growled. " I'm not gonna let you kill yourself!"

"Let me go!" She yelled at him, struggling "Let me go!" Her struggles became weaker"I want to die! I want to die! I want to..."" She said" Why won't.....Why can't..." her voice trailed off as she turned and buried her face in her brother's chest, her tears over coming her " I can't take it anymore.

Aidan's arms wrapped around around her, kissing the top of her head"Shhh..." hushed her, running his fingers through her hair. "Its okay, its okay little one."

Corrected bits in BOLD!

Agana stood at the edge of the cliff, looking down as the water crashed against the rocks below her.

This would be the end for her. She had nothing left to live for PERIOD! The war was over, her tyrant of a father was dead, and so was her own lover. It was over...

She touched the necklace that Rasui had given to her. "You were the last bit of sanity I had left."

"Agana!" He had found her standing on the edge of a cliff PERIOD! He could only guess what she was about to do PERIOD! "Agana, wait!" He tried to go further, but was blocked by a force field, that had more than likely been put up by his half-sister. "Agana, you don't have to do this..."

The half-demon turned to him, a small, sad, smile on her lips PERIOD! SPACE! "And who says I don't have to? Who says I don't want to?"

"Agana..." he said, looking at her with pleading eyes PERIOD!
"The war is over! You killed him! You saved them...The people don't hate you anymore..."

"They may not hate me anymore. But they could never love me. I'm a half-demon; I was Inoko's daughter, the 'Blood Rain'. They could never forget that... No one could ever love a monster like me; no one could ever care for me, not like Rasui did."

"Agana, I care about you COMMA!" he said quietly "I love you, you're my little sister."

"Don't give me any of that!" She snapped, before softening slightly PERIOD! "I know the promise you made to mother... That you would protect me. I'm grateful for that, but I just wish... I wish you did it, because you really cared," she said sadly, turning back around and glancing over her shoulder PERIOD! "So I guess this is good bye, my dear half-brother."

"NO!" Somehow Aidan broke through the forcefield, rushing forward, and grabbing the girl's arm, just as she was about to jump PERIOD!

He pulled his little sister away from the cliff, falling back onto solid ground with her. Wrapping his arms around her as the girl tried to pull away. Aidan held onto her as best as he could. "You idiot!" He growled. "I'm not gonna let you kill yourself!"

"Let me go!" She yelled at him, struggling PERIOD! "Let me go!" Her struggles became weaker PERIOD! "I want to die! I want to die! I want to..." she said PERIOD! "Why won't.....Why can't..." Her voice trailed off as she turned and buried her face in her brother's chest, her tears overwhelming her PERIOD! "I can't take it anymore."

Aidan's arms wrapped around her, kissing the top of her headPERIOD! "Shhh..." He hushed her, running his fingers through her hair. "It's okay, it's okay COMMA! little one."


Commentary: Why the hell is he running his fingers through her hair? That's a little odd. Stroking, we can understand. Intertwining his fingers through her hair is not cool, man. Way not cool. The Table doesn't roll with things like the beginnings of incest.

There was a lot of crazy spacing. We didn't feel like pointing out all of them. That would, quite frankly, be ridiculous.

How could you? (http://www.dollwizard.com/forums/showthread.php?t=35920)


Were there is darkness
There must be light
Were there is despair
There must be hope.
Right?

You can't tell me
This how its meant to be.
You can't tell me we’re meant to fall.

“Nothing matters for there’s nothing left."
You say.
But what about me?

I held you when you cried
I helped through the darkness
I stood by you through the toughest times
And I'll stand by till the end of time.

So how can you stand
There and say
That nothing matters?
Don't I matter?
How can you stand there and say, that there is no one who cares?
I care
How can you say, that no one could ever love you?
When here I am
And I say
That I love you.


How to spell / use appropriate grammar:

"Were there is darkness" - Where. Where again.

"This how its meant to be." - Bleh. Dracula say that he have better grammar than caveman. Caveman say he not sure. "This is how it's meant to be." (Oh, what a great line to have to fix.)

"'Nothing matters for there’s nothing left.'" "Nothing matters for there's nothing left,"

"till" = "'til"


Content:

This poem begins well... and it's all angst and disappointment from there. Personally, the inconsistent line length displeases us. The beginning and the end are great. The middle... is eh. This is how we suggest you edit your poem:

"Where there is darkness
There must be light
Where there is despair
There must be hope.
Right?

Here I am
And I say
That I love you."

[sulpaism]

I accept the grammar on some stories is pretty messed up but still poetry is poetry whether understand it or not.