A love story (i dunno what to call it-.-)

[shadowclips]

Akira sits on and archway above the front doors of his school; his legs hanging off the edge. Three boys stand under the archway, talking to Akira and amongst themselves. One of the boys was short and plump; he had the same sort of facial features as a pug and very ratty short brown hair. Another was tall and lanky; he had perfectly styled long blonde hair, and a toothpick sticking out of his mouth. The last one was tall and muscular; he is one of those people who you can tell is stupid just by looking at them. None of them were good looking at all. Akira’s long brown hair was quickly swept back by a sudden gust of wind. Akira was the good looking out of the four boys, he was about the average height for a boy living in Japan; he had perfect facial features. He had light brown hair that reached near his shoulders and a slightly muscular build. “Finally, we can see girls again!” the lanky boy shouts in joy. “I have been so lonely being in this all boy school for two years straight;” the muscular boy said slowly. “I don’t know what I will say! I have never spoken to a girl before!” the plump boy shouts in panic. The plump boy starts to bit his fingernails; “that’s perfectly understandable from a guy with an E cup;” Akira says and bursts out laughing. The muscular boy and the lanky boy also burst out in laughter and the plump boy curses at Akira.

Midori sits in a bus with a big grin on her face, “I can’t wait to see Akira-kun again!” she says while looking at the girl sitting next to her. The girl groans, “I know…..you have been telling me that for three months…” Seeing the other girls discomfort Midori gets up and sits next to another girl. The girl smiles at Midori “what are you going to do when you are finally re-united with Akira-kun again?” she asks pleasantly. “We will fall in love again, and we will be together forever!” she shouts happily. A girl a few rows ahead of Midori overhears and looks back at her that is one wierd girl…… she thinks to herself.

Akira lifts a pair of binoculars up out of his bag and looks into them, at the road. He sees nothing until he looks a bit more up, he then sees a red moving object partly hidden behind the trees of the forest surrounding the road. The red object becomes less hidden, “there’s the bus…” Akira says. The three boys under the arch begin to cheer; “The bus!!!!! the bus!!!!!” boys pour out of the school and start to cheer along with them. Akira rolls his eyes, idiots…. The bus leaves the forest and it and everything inside it become completely visible. Akira surveys each and every visible girl in the bus and smiles. “Yo! Akira-kun! Pass the binoculars down!” the plump boy shouts. Akira drops the binoculars and the plump boy catches them and looks into them, at the bus.

Most of the girls, including Midori rush to the front of the bus and push each other to get a better look out the window at the boys. One girl stays sitting down, her legs crossed and her hands on her lap. She wasn’t too happy about the trial month to test how it would be with the boys and girls in the same school. In her opinion, living and sleeping in the same building as a bunch of probably horny schoolboys wasn’t an ideal way to spend the summer.


I will continue if anyone wants me to.
I don't think anyone will, but meh... I have been wrong before.

[nineteen]

ok doeky,

this would flow a lot better if it were devided into more paragrahps. the first paragraph should be devided a bit i'd say. where there is a distinct change in subject, take a new one.

you format wrong, this is the proper format:

Midori sits in a bus with a big grin on her face,
“I can’t wait to see Akira-kun again!” she says while looking at the girl sitting next to her. The girl groans,
“I know…..you have been telling me that for three months…” Seeing the other girls discomfort Midori gets up and sits next to another girl. The girl smiles at Midori,
“what are you going to do when you are finally re-united with Akira-kun again?” she asks pleasantly,
“We will fall in love again, and we will be together forever!”

take new lines for new speech. it accualy brakes it up and makes it easier to read.

now to the content:
in the first paragraph you describe your chrarachters, BUT your chrachters have a real lack of depth. in a love story they have to seem real, or i don't buy it. Akira sounds arrogant, the girl sounds annyoing to me. perhaps you could have one of them rember a time they spend together or somthing, to show us what they are like. try to expresses thier emotions better, you do it quite well with the the girl when she says "You've been saying that for 3 months".

you lack description and clarity, you use a lot of "the girl" on the bus and it's a bit confusing. you need more description, what's the weather like, for instance? this will help with the flow.

a few grammitcal errors and type-os

BUT in answer to your question: yes, i think you should go on. the plot sounds good, it's pretty classic and i love love stories.

[shadowclips]

ok doeky,

this would flow a lot better if it were devided into more paragrahps. the first paragraph should be devided a bit i'd say. where there is a distinct change in subject, take a new one.

you format wrong, this is the proper format:



take new lines for new speech. it accualy brakes it up and makes it easier to read.

now to the content:
in the first paragraph you describe your chrarachters, BUT your chrachters have a real lack of depth. in a love story they have to seem real, or i don't buy it. Akira sounds arrogant, the girl sounds annyoing to me. perhaps you could have one of them rember a time they spend together or somthing, to show us what they are like. try to expresses thier emotions better, you do it quite well with the the girl when she says "You've been saying that for 3 months".

you lack description and clarity, you use a lot of "the girl" on the bus and it's a bit confusing. you need more description, what's the weather like, for instance? this will help with the flow.

a few grammitcal errors and type-os

BUT in answer to your question: yes, i think you should go on. the plot sounds good, it's pretty classic and i love love stories.

Yeah, i have to work alot more on alot of things.
About the me using "the girl" alot; I need to introduce the characters soon.
Because it is pretty confusing.

[Zippy_girl]

I like it alot^^ I think that you should just keep on writing.

[shadowclips]

Akira quickly slides off the archway and nearly lands on a boy. The plump boy pushes Akira to the side with one hand “Don’t get in my way” he says. Akira looks at the plump boy with a “you are such a loser” sort of face. The lanky boy and the muscular boy run to the front of the crowd to get a better look. The bus stops and Akira walks out of the crowd and towards the bus. He stops and waits near the front doors with his hands in his pockets.

The bus doors open and Midori is the first to exit the bus. Midori spots Akira, “Akira-kun!!!!” she shouts happily. Midori jumps towards Akira, a scared look appears on Akira’s face and Midori lands on him. Akira falls over and hits his head on the ground; he becomes unconscious. Midori lies on top of Akira with her hands on his chest. Her face lined up with his, looking at his expressionless face.

A female teacher rushes out of the bus, her long hair streaming behind her. She quickly looks at Akira; “he’s unconscious!” she says with a hint of panic in her voice. She looks up and sees the lanky boy; she doesn’t notice him staring at her chest. “We need to get this boy the nurse’s office!” she shouts, the lanky boy stops staring at her chest and notices Akira. Both the muscular boy and the plump boy hurry over to Akira; they pick him up, one holding legs and one holding his arms.

[Zippy_girl]

I still think it rocks^^

[shadowclips]

Gimme about 5-10 minutes. I will have more done.^^

[Zippy_girl]

Alrighty^^

[nineteen]

you're serious? it takes me thrity minutes to write it then another thiry to go over it for somthing that length. rember to re-read it!!