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Astareal
06-03-2007, 07:54 PM
Judgement
Act 1: Recruitment
Scene 1: Escape

Damien looked out of the window dreamily as the coach pulled into liverpool. He'd rather be anywhere else at that time, but the excursion school had organised had impressed his Grandma and he'd been sent along. The streets were dirty, litter surrounded his feet as he stepped off the coach and he scrunched his nose at the smells coming from the water.
"I don't like it"
The voice was almost inaudible amidst the roar and drabble of school children surging around him but Tommy turned to look at him.
"Cheer up Dane, It'll be nicer on the boat mate"

Tommy was fifteen, the same age as Damien and nearly as scruffy. They almost looked a pair, stood on the docks surrounded by a crowd of people their own age, wearing the same dull black uniform.
Damien Price wasn't an individual that bothered overly with what others thought of him, His school trousers were losse fitted and his jumper was tied around his waist. He opted to leave the collar on white shirt down though, unlike some of the more yobbish members of the class who thought it looked "Cool" up around their muscly necks.
Dane was a slim individual, He didn't go to the gym but he kept himself fit doing other activites, Extreme sports in particular. his arms and legs were muscly and lithe from rock climbing, He surfed, he Skated, He loved adrenaline. His hair was long, but not overly. It fell in a mess around his head, over his ears to around halfway down his cheeks and longer still at the back. It was brown, a dark brown, but lighter brown highlights had been added a few months ago. Looking at the boat that was lying in the jetty, a medium sized catamaran, he wasn't too sure he was looking forward to the crossing over to the Ireland all too much.


Forty minutes later Tommy was swallowing his words, pulling his head out of the paper bag he turned to Damien
"I hate this boat"
Damien couldn't help but laugh, his firned had forgotten he got sea sick so easily. The ride was smooth enough, smoother than expected of a catamaran, but it was still bumpy enough to get the fair haired lad reaching for the bags. He turned to the T.V screen, The Simpsons. Lying back against the head rest, Young mister Price was finding the trip better than expected.
A scream at the back of the boat soon snapped him out of his reverie. Turning to face it like so many others, his eyes widened as he saw first the masked men and then the AK-47 Kalashnikoff riles they were toting.
"Anybody moves, and we shoot"
The sentance was simple, the instructions clear and five minutes later, everybody on the boat was bound and tied back to back with somebody else on the floor of the lounge.

"Don't worry children, everythings going to be alright"
Mr Harris was probably trying to comfort people Damien thought, but a couple of the girls were crying. Quiet, frightened sobs escaped lips as everybody wondered what on earth was going on. He felt something moving behind him, and suddenly, his ropes were loosened. Without moving he heard Tommie's voice behind whispering behind him.
"Good job I brought my pen knife right?"
Smiling Damien spat the words almost silently out of the corner of his mouth,
"Cough a little, Get that guard in the corner to come to you. Just don't move, act ill, like you've got a cold or something, and be ready with the rope"
His friend seemed surprised, but looking around the room, he too realised that only one guard had been posted. Begging a coughing fit that seemd a little.......over the top to Damien, Tommy gained the guards notice. Damien waited, head bowed low, he tried to look resigned.
.....................Now.....
His legs whipped around and tripped the guard, faling to the floor, he lost grip of his weapon and put his hands out to steady himself. Rolling over onto his back, ready to spring back up, the Irishman soon found himself staring into the barrel of a gun held by a rather serious looking teenager.
"Nobody moves, or I shoot"
The words were a twisted parody of the terrorists comrade's own, but they got his attention.
"Tie him up Tommy"
As the blonde boy from Derby scurried to do his bidding he stared into hsi assailants eyes.
"Questions,
Everytime I don't like your answer, you get the stock of the gun betweeen your eyes. Have I made myself clear?"
When the man opened his mouth he began to laugh, this boy! Thinking he could escape, they were halfway to Ireland already. He stopped laughing as soon as the metal stock of the gun slammed into his nose, releasing a torrent of blood. By now Damiens teacher had realised what was going on and was signalling for Tommy to come and untie him. Looking at his friend, the boy with the gun shook his head slowly.
"If everybodie's free, Ther'll be too much noise. Can't risk being found untied yet"
Tommy stared, wide eyed
"Look, Dane, Mate. We should at least free him, He's the only adult here"
"No, He's tied and safe,"
Turning to the bleeding captor turned prisoner, bound on the floor he asked
"IRA?"
When the man nodded, he knew he'd hit the mark
"What does the IRA want with a catamaran full of kids?"
Licking blood from his upper lip, the man spat in Damien Price's face. The butt hit him in the temple and he crumpled instantly
Taking off his jumper, He gagged the unconsious man and with Tommie's help, dragged him into a cupboard.
"What now?" Tommy asked him, Damien seemed in charge of the situation and it was him he had decided to act under.
"I need to find a radio, Untie everybody, but keep them quiet"

Two minutes later, Tommy was busy untying the class and Damien was hanging by his fingertips from the side of the boat, Water rushing past his feet.
If I can find the crew, We can Radio Liverpool Harbour
Still, it was easier said than done, patrols lined the boat and he'd only narrolwy dodged a patrol by sliding off the edge of the boat and now he was in no position to go anywhere. Slowly, he raised himself up. No-one, perfect! He crept along the deck, sea spray wetting his skin. hearing footsteps, he rolled under the stairs leading to the bridge. Feeling around, he located the bottom of a fire extinguisher and pulled it from the wall, carefully making as little noise as possible. Rolling out from under the stairs, he got to his feet and walked slowly behind the guard. Raising the red cylindar, he slammed it into the guards face as he turned to see who was behind him and cast it into the sea. Depositiing the guard under the stairs he himself had hid underneath and made his way up them.

The door to the captains bridge was heavy, made of cast iron it creaked as Damien pushed it open and four heavy set Irishmen in Khaki turned to face him.
"****"
Turning around he leapt over the side of the stairs, holding onto the railing. He swung himself under the top step and held onto the edges just as the first man peered over the edge.
"He's gone"
"Then LOOK for him you idiot!"
The second voice was less accented, but still recogniseably irish. His muscles were screaming at him, but Damien waited, soon the footsteps had receded and he pulled himself over the railing once more, panting. Making his way slowly down the stairs, he picked up the unconsious guards Rifle and proceeded back to the Bridge.

Wait.........I'm not going to shoot anyone The thought was like poison, spreading fear throughout his mind. Shaking himself free of self-doubt he steeled himself.
But they don't know that
Kicking the door he heard a snatch of conversation
"Fifty thousand pounds tomorrow...."
The phone was dropped as the man turned and the gun swung around into his face.
"What the?"
The gun hit him again before he could finish and the man fell to the floor. Damien turned away from him and grabbed the mobile phone he ahd been using. Quickly putting down the phone and re-dialling to the police took seconds and Damien bagan outlining what had happened
"There's six men on the boat that I know of, all armed." He was finishing before the woman cut him off.
He was panicky, but the woman on the phone calmed him.
"Look, Just give us the co-ordinates on the screen to the left of the radio and we'll be there in a matter of minutes"
Damien turned to look and saw a fist milliseconds before it smashed into his face. Trailing blood and spittle, Damien flew acroos the cabin and felt his head smash against the window. Dazed and hurt he threw himself out of the way as an eight-inch combat knife slammed into place where his face had been moments before. Rolling into a crouch he brought his leg up in a roundhouse kick, only to find his opponent blocking in a traditional Shoto-Kan leg raise. Off-Balance and Unarmed Damien could do nothing as the knife was thrust into his shoulder. Screaming with pain, vision clouded and senses dulled he fell backwards and grabbed at his assailants wrists seconds before the balde plunged into his neck.
"You little ****!"

The man above him was large and sported a red bed complete with unruly red hair. Funny how, fighting for his life, Damien still noticed just how bad the man's breath was. Suddenly, the man crumpled and a foot rolled him off the top of Damiens inert body. Seeing Tommy stood above him with another Fire extinguisher, backed by select members of the school rugby team. Releived, bloody and alive, Damien Price reached for the telephone.


Coming soon!
Act 1: Recruitment
Scene 2: Mr Davis

<Lilith.:.Winters>
06-03-2007, 08:35 PM
{ FINALLY! You wrote a story-- an incredible one at that. ^^ I am absolutely transfixed on it...write more soon! :D }

Astareal
06-03-2007, 08:47 PM
Well........I wanted to write something different. It's a bit obvious I've been reading some Alex Rider novels, but I wanted to get away from my usual high fantasy settings and try my hand at something new. The hard part was an intro, How to get the plot going, but thats jsut the intro there. A chance encounter with a terrorist cell, Now he's caught the Eye of MI6. What willl happen to young Damien Price? :confused:

<Lilith.:.Winters>
06-03-2007, 09:10 PM
{ Ooooh, the suspense! ^^;;

Well, you're doing a great job at trying something different other than the usual fantasy settings. I'd prefer either one, to be honest, but it's a bit refreshing to see you write this excerpt. It's a whole new...(how do I put it...?) Well, 'vibe'. ^^

Don't worry, sometimes being influenced by others helps you develop your own type of writing! *Hugs my book collection* xD }

Astareal
06-03-2007, 10:01 PM
I don;t know if you've read the Alex Rider novels, but he's a bit too....... perfect. rich, Smart, Handsome, good at everything. I'm trying to break away from the classic Sauve spy image and create an oridnary person in extraordinary situations

Leon Shadows
06-03-2007, 11:23 PM
Dude, wicked awesome man seriously I like that I can somewhat relate to the people in your story being that they have fears and etc. Your a great writer don't let your gift get away from you my friend ^^

Astareal
06-04-2007, 09:58 AM
Thanks '^^
To be honest with you guys, I'm not happy with it, Had 6to cut 200 words out to make it fit the post lol.
Personally, I think it all happenes too fast, no explanation =[

scorpio grl
06-04-2007, 10:20 AM
I like it. Fast-paced stories are fun {in my opinion, anyway}. I should know; I'm being forced to read a fairly slow and fairly boring {again, my opinion, and I'm only in the beginning} book that I really should be reading now. >.> I'm actually a very quick reader, but this novel {which is only ninety pages} has taken me a day or two just to get to like the second chapter and I don't really want to read it...I'm hoping it'll get better, though. Anywho, that's all off-subject; I think your story is really good and I hope you keep updating. ^^ There seems to be enough explanation to me, and if you are unhappy about taking out enough to make it fit the post then you could have just cut it in half and done two posts, one right after the other.

Astareal
06-04-2007, 10:22 AM
Naa, that's cool, it was mainly an OOC introduction that I removed. Yeah, the whole first scene is jsut an introduction really. Had to think of a way to get him ..Noticed by the secret service. Starting off as a spy would have been no fun.

scorpio grl
06-04-2007, 10:29 AM
:rolleyes: True, true. lol Kinda reminds me of the Cody Bands movie; well, the getting noticed part anyway. So, what all do you think is going to happen to the young Mr. Price?

Astareal
06-04-2007, 10:31 AM
Well .........I.......know. Lol, I never saw Cody banks, looked too...childish and silly

scorpio grl
06-04-2007, 10:39 AM
>< Our school forces movies on us. When there isn't really a lesson plan for the day, they'll make us watch movies that we've all pretty much seen. {I'm actually sick of the movies Cars and the Narnia movie- who's name escapes me at the moment- because they've shown them so many times} *Eye twitch* And there are no exceptions. "You. Must. Watch. The. Movie." is basically their motto. And then when the bell rings and they turn it off only to {usually} show the same part the next week...

Astareal
06-04-2007, 02:54 PM
Hey, I'm toying with the idea of going into first person, It's easier to write in if i'm honest. I prefer Third, but it'd harder. Just wanted to know what Ya'll think

zippythewild
06-04-2007, 03:00 PM
the begining is too boring. You need to get a begining that draws the reader in instead of boring them. I've opened this story twice and didn't bother going past the first sentence the second time.

Astareal
06-04-2007, 03:07 PM
Thanks for the ....... constructive criticism. My only reply is that that's a one thousand word opening to a story. That IS the beginning. And if you think it takes too long to get to the action, remember, the action starts on what would probably be page two or three of a novel. A novel Is what I would write if i had the time and resources but that is shortened.

zippythewild
06-04-2007, 03:14 PM
the begining of the story doesnt have to be the begining of the plot!!!

for example:

Kane walked through the empty streets. Blah blah blah... it looked like...blah blah blah. He heard a scream. He ran to the source.

Boring begining. But if you do this... SWITCHEROO

Kane heard a scream. He ran to the source as fast as he could.

He had been walking throuth the empty streets. Blah blah blah...


See... it doesnt change the meaning of the passage, but it draws the reader in before you even get to an exciting part! (not a perfect example i know i came up with it off the top of my head)

Dont get me wrong, Im sure its good but you need to draw in the reader with the first sentence or they wont want to read you story

Astareal
06-04-2007, 03:15 PM
I'm sorry about my above post, made me sound like I took it the wrong way. I see what your getting at, but that way the plot just starts straight away. I'm thinking of changing to first person however, since I find it easier to write that way. I'm waiting for some feedback on this idea, but I think you for one would rpefer my first person style.

zippythewild
06-04-2007, 03:18 PM
eeerrrr... yeah the plot doesnt have to start right away, just give a sneak preview of the excitement to come

Astareal
06-04-2007, 03:21 PM
Well......that wasn't the actual plot, that was the sneak preview '^^ hehe
*Scratches behind ear*
Let me ask you though, would you put down a book after the first sentance?

zippythewild
06-04-2007, 11:48 PM
yes i have before its called... browsing the books in the library. AND THATS WHERE IT STARTS! you read a book from the library... like it sooooo much that you buy it

you need a more exciting sneak preview, unless of course, thats exciting as the book gets...

Rikku1626
06-05-2007, 12:42 PM
If you ask me I was completly in the begining and you always have to give a book a chance and at least read a few pages or a chapter. That's what I do and some of the books that I read are completly boring in the begining but I after I read it for a bit it got sooooo interesting and I couldn't put it down. (of course I try to finish every book I read, thier are some realy stupid ones out thier and sadly I read them, don't make the same mistake but, give a book a chance) Anyway, the story is awsome can't wait to read more!!!

Astareal
06-05-2007, 03:36 PM
Thanks Rikku!

Rikku1626
06-05-2007, 06:49 PM
No prob :D