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View Full Version : Short story, anyone interested?


SiriuslyRemus
08-22-2007, 01:19 AM
A short story I wrote, I'm still not sure of the title. Let me know what you think, or if you don't get somthing :D. I should warn you, it's rated T for teen, there's some violence but nothing to bad, I guess.

Pain. Searing, burning. His flesh burned painfully. There were no flames; the day wasn’t hot, nor exceptionally cold. Yet his flesh burned intensely, scorching lancing pain. “Why, Jane?” He shouted, loudly. “Love,” Was her nonsensical reply. “You kill me because you love me?” He screamed, burn intensifying.

“Well, for my own.” She hissed, smirking sadistically, eye’s mad.
“Your love?” He asked puzzlement almost over riding pain.
“My lover.” She clarified voice low and sweet. He gasped in shocking pain all nerves on fire, and wondered, how; who? “How?”
“Poison kiss.”
“What?! Kiss?”
“Kiss. Lipstick to be more precise.”
So, that was it, this was it, goodbye world. He realized he was being dramatic, but didn’t he have a right to? He was dieing. “So, who is he?”
“Ho hum, I don’t know if I want to tell you.”
“Don’t bother then, Jane.” He replied, voice pained.
“You know him, of course. It’s me you obviously don’t know.”
“I’m dead, I feel it already, you’ve killed me, Jane.”
Sadistic smirk, leering from Jane.
“Good, that was the point, oh good, he’s here.”
“And now, you are sadistic enough not t o allow me the knowledge of who my undoing was?” He said pleading for answer, fighting the pain.
“Heh, what do you care, you’re dieing anyway.” She replied, still leering. Slam. Door opening. Her lover entered, “Done yet Jane dear?” His vision blurred, eyes shutting. His last sight: their heated kiss. He died smiling, choking on words, his last, “Forgot the poison, Jane dear.”

kiki26:)
08-22-2007, 02:23 AM
I like it.

SiriuslyRemus
08-22-2007, 02:40 AM
Yay! Thank you!

MoonMage2000
08-25-2007, 05:14 PM
I like it. Kinda sad but it's still really good.

premiumdancer
08-25-2007, 11:21 PM
Don't take this the wrong way, but: I wouldn't really call it a short story. It's a bit of prose, what I'd like to call a fragment. It isn't amazing, and you use "sadistic" more than is truly necessary, but all in all it isn't that bad. You have the human element down well, and art really is just something that makes being human seem worthwhile, that makes you feel as though there can be meaning, after all, in your tiny pinprick of a life. I think that if you were to direct your efforts to something that seems less cliche (though, of course, how can one define cliche? Nothing really is original, it just has to seem that way) it would be rather satisfying indeed.

SiriuslyRemus
12-30-2007, 02:43 AM
Thank you for an honest opinion. This work is very old, was done for a class, and 90% of it was not my own concpet, even the style, as it was styled to meet the paramiters of the asignment. Thank you, again, for your opinion. I have written many othe things, and cannot for the life of me figure out why I posted this in the first place, as I don't even particularly like it.