PDA

View Full Version : Chronicles of Horrorland


Lady_Raven
03-23-2008, 04:18 AM
CHAPTER ONE: Pre-enterance

They often say wonderland doesn`t exist... But it does.

And, it has an exact oppisite, aswell, called horrorland.

These two lands balance each other out, despite the, they are always at war. I would know this, seeing as I`m the soul Heir to the throne of Horrorland... My name you might ask? I`m often called by those of Wonderland, the Bloodthristy Incubus, or known, further as a vampire. My real name, though is Sadoxis Morustque.

I recently became fifteen, and was permitted to come to larger parties, instead of staying with the children in the back room, who often played with their possesed dolls.

It was that night, I met the princess of Wonderland, Ilosia, one of the special breeds directly from Alice, who was an elder who found and ordered Wonderland some time ago.

That may make you wonder, who found Horrorland... His name was, Rhumos Nyswia.
Many years dead, and almost forgotten, the old man was. Only few, specially dedicated to his teaching never forgot him.

I wasn`t amoung them. I couldn`t care less, actually.
Rule with an iron fist, and rule with brutality I was taught, and which I do, but, to my own tune.

Example, as of last week, a theif of some sort was brought into the court and was order to be beheaded that very afternoon. So, for my delight, and others horror, he was beheaded before us within the next hour.

My mother often said I was purely heartless, No, I thought meerly one who cared not for other people, but, maybe that was the same thing?
Oh well.

As of the current up coming week, I have been ordered to meet up with Ilosia and her band of Technologies, or basically, very advanced faries. But, if I wanted, they would be wiped out with my favorite. The dark elves.

Such, swift, and silent the creatures were, beautiful, in their own... deadly way. They had a slaughtering style all their own. They never cleaned their blades. I applaude them for that.
Nothing like being killed by a blade soaked in other`s blood, I always said.

Strangest thing I`ve ever seen I must admit was miss Ilosia. So dainty, fragile, and bright... It was sickening. How I`d love to show her the dark side of the world, and show her... Life wasn`t always good and happy.

Now, it must bid say goodnight, seeing as the sun rises, and I haven`t slept a wink.

SiriuslyRemus
03-23-2008, 04:05 PM
I really like it so far, but it has some simple mistakes-
As well. Two words.
Despite that they.. Should have a comma between that and they.
Alice which... Should be Alice WHO.
Somtime ago... Split it into two words, Some Time ago.
Only few, specially dedicated... Get rid of the comma there (I do the same thing but it's not really necasary nore gramatically correct)
I could care... The expression is COULDN'T Meening that you don't care at all, because there is no possible way to care less than you allready do. (Everyone says it your way though, you don't have to cahnge it...)
And which I do... Get rid of the which, the but and the comma. And I do. To my own tune
And was order... Ordered
So for my delight... To my delight?
My mother thought I was purely heartless... End that with a periode not a comma, the other sentance can stand alone.
As of the current up coming week, I have been ordered... Just remove the comma. Do not replace, remove. And get rid of either current, or upcoming. Don't leave both.
Wiped out with my favorite... Periode. The Dark elves.
Such, Swift... Remove the comma. (Please note I'm not trying to pick on you, I do the same thing with the commas. But when you're writing allways go back, highlight all of the commas, and say "Can this be a sentance on it's own?" If yes get rid of it.)
The creatures were... Periode. End sentance.
Own... deadly way... This is a styling matter, just a matter of opinion that you COULD get rid of the elipce, but you don't have to.
And They never cleaned their blades,... Periode, new sentance. (Yes I'm mean, I wish somone would have told me this about my story before I got to chapter four that's the main reason I'm picking on this particualr thing)
So dainty fragile and bright... Get rid of the second set of elipses, if you can. Make it a periode.
How'd I love to... Try, How I'd love to. Though again, this one is just opinion.
And show her... life... Get rid of the elipses, if you can. DO NOT replace with a comma though. And get rid of the capital letter regaurdless of whether you get rid of the elipses.
The last sentance... You probably know what I'm going to say. Get rid of the comma's, ands, buts, ECT if you can.

Please note that most of these are my opinong more than grammar. You're welcome to disregaurd anything I say. However when you use a lot of commas you end up with run on sentances. I hope this is helpfull, and I'm sorry if you didn't want critque. It's a very interesting story so far, and I look forward to chapter two. (And and pre-entrance, for the heading, needs that dash I put in)

PsychoKid
03-25-2008, 07:52 PM
I like it, the 'anti-Wonderland'! ^-^ I just finished reading Alice in Wonderland and am moving onto Through the Looking Glass and I love the ideas you give to them!