slave has a name

[Green eyed goddess]

Slave has a name
Hi my name is Angelina. I’m 16 years old right now and life is so boring. I don’t ever really get what I want and I blame my parents. I should get what I want because we have the money. I never see why I need to give money or why people ever ask. If they cant pay for there lunch its there fault, Why should I care how other people feel?

Me and my younger brother are walking through the woods right now. We have walked through these woods many, many times. We both love it. My brother then points to an odd looking old shack. He opened the door and I followed him, I look at him and say.

“hey don’t touch anything” he looks at me and nods. The room is very dusty and old. There are a few old pictures and a mirror at the end of the room. I look over to my brother and he knocks a vase over by mistake.

“oops” he says. Suddenly I see the mirror crack and I feel a horrible presence. My brother now looks at me and says…

“did… you feel that?” I look at him and say in a very soft quiet voice…

“yes… I did” I’m now looking over at the mirror again. Suddenly it shatters and a man walks out. He only looks 18 or 19. He has light blond hair cut shoulder length and light blue eyes. He has several piercing in one ear and none in the other. He then said in a cold frightening voice.

“how DARE you” he is suddenly right in front of my brother! My brother can’t move and I can’t either. He grabs my brother neck and slams him into a wall. I can finally get myself to speak. I open my mouth and I say in the lowest, quietist voice ever…

“s…stop it” he can’t hear me. I can move. I’m so afraid. He then slams my brother into the ground. Blood flies from his mouth and I can now feel my eyes tear up. He then picks him up and pulls back his hand. He had long nails that look liked they could cut anything. He was not going to punch my brother. It looked like he was going to slice his whole head off. I then close my eyes and scream…

“STOP IT!” the man looks at me with the same horrible glare. I then say in a small voice looking down.

“I broke the vase” he then lets go of my brother and is now right in front of me. With a swift movement I am on the ground with my mouth bleeding. I’m on my stomach and felt as though I got hit with a bat. He is then in front of me. He kicks me in the face and I fling across the small room and hit a wall on the other side. I start to get on my knees and he is there again. He knees me in stomach and then elbows me in the face. I see blood flinging from me and I hit the ground hard. I cough up blood and think to my self…

“I wonder if he is going to kill me” he then put his foot on my neck and pushed hard. It is hard for me to breathe and I close my eyes tightly. He then said with a rough young man voice calmly…

“ if you want me to let you to live and your brother to go then I am willing to make a deal. Unless you want both you and your brother do die.” he pushes harder on my neck. I can’t seem to talk at all

“if your agree to be my slave. Ill let you both live and him go free. Agreed?” he slightly lifted up his foot to let me answer. I’m bleeding from my mouth and I feel like I’ve gotten hit by a truck.

“yes” I answer in a small quiet voice.

good he says firmly. He then releases me from his foot. I see him walk to my brother and pick him up by his collar holding him against the wall. He then says…

“you may go, but you may never, never come back. Understand?” my brother speaks in a whimper horrified.

“yes”

“good boy” he lets him go and says.

“now leave” my brother looks at me and says…

“please. Let me say goodbye” he glares at my brother.

“fine. Not like it matters.” my brother runs to me and gives me a hug. He says…

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry”

“it’s ok” I whispered back. The man then picks up my brother by the back of his shirt and throws him to the ground.

“now leave!” my brother takes one last look at me and runs out the door. I look at the floor completely horrified and disgusted by what ever just happened. I then hear him say.

“look at me now slave” I look up at him and he is standing behind me. I then say softly…

“my name is Angelina.” he slaps my face hard and I fall back into the floor. I can feel the blood pump on my cheek and it was to fast an sudden it scared me. He then says.

“how dare you speak back to me! Your are not worth a name as my slave! Your are only slave! Next time keep your mouth shut unless your saying ‘yes master’. understand that slave!?!” I look to the ground and say in a much softer voice…

[gimmethattop]

WARNING: Do not read if you do not want/can't handle harsh criticism.

Woot, paragraphs. That's what made this actually decent to read. But is has a number of problems, even in this section only:

x Work on punctuation. The ones you have sometimes look out of place, and there's obviously a lot missing. You need to end dialogue with a period, or a comma, or a question mark--something.

x 'there' 'their' 'they're'. There was a nice misuse of this early on. Each one means something different.

x Random capitalization. You don't seem to like capitalizing the dialogue, but that's just as necessary as punctuation. You have to begin and end a sentence properly. Also, there are words in here that shouldn't be capitalized but are.

x Random paragraphing (cut off when speaking). One character starts to say something,

and then the dialogue starts here. You can't end a paragraph with a comma.

x Knowing how her brother feels. She shouldn't know that her brother can't move unless he says so, or is visibly straining against the force holding him down.

x Random first paragraph has no visible relevance. Why is she talking about money and paying for thing out of nowhere, and then talking about walking through the woods? It's a really awkward pairing.

x Why are they walking through the woods? It never says. Sounds like a huge cliche to me.

x 'fling across the room'. You can't fling across the room. However, you can fly across the room, or fling something across the room.

x 'rough young man voice'. As far as I'm concerned, he is a rough young man. Unless he's speaking in an unexpected, unfitting voice, it doesn't need explaining in such obvious terms.

Also, the dialogue needs work. They sound like book characters to me, only saying exactly what you expect them to need to say. Give their words more life.

[Green eyed goddess]

WARNING: Do not read if you do not want/can't handle harsh criticism.

Woot, paragraphs. That's what made this actually decent to read. But is has a number of problems, even in this section only:

x Work on punctuation. The ones you have sometimes look out of place, and there's obviously a lot missing. You need to end dialogue with a period, or a comma, or a question mark--something.

x 'there' 'their' 'they're'. There was a nice misuse of this early on. Each one means something different.

x Random capitalization. You don't seem to like capitalizing the dialogue, but that's just as necessary as punctuation. You have to begin and end a sentence properly. Also, there are words in here that shouldn't be capitalized but are.

x Random paragraphing (cut off when speaking). One character starts to say something,

and then the dialogue starts here. You can't end a paragraph with a comma.

x Knowing how her brother feels. She shouldn't know that her brother can't move unless he says so, or is visibly straining against the force holding him down.

x Random first paragraph has no visible relevance. Why is she talking about money and paying for thing out of nowhere, and then talking about walking through the woods? It's a really awkward pairing.

x Why are they walking through the woods? It never says. Sounds like a huge cliche to me.

x 'fling across the room'. You can't fling across the room. However, you can fly across the room, or fling something across the room.

x 'rough young man voice'. As far as I'm concerned, he is a rough young man. Unless he's speaking in an unexpected, unfitting voice, it doesn't need explaining in such obvious terms.

Also, the dialogue needs work. They sound like book characters to me, only saying exactly what you expect them to need to say. Give their words more life.
owch....ok well i am not the best writer.. i write mostly when i board so i can read it later.. i like very few books myself and i am trying to train my self to spell and write better... >.<' it was way mean but im glad i know how to make it better now... even if you WERE just doing it because you like jugging people..

[Green eyed goddess]

New Life….

“yes master”

“good. Now get up” I look down at my hands and stand up slowly. I am in pain from how may times he had thrown me around. I stand up behind him and he is facing the mirror. He then walks through it. My eyes widen and I am completely shocked. He just walked through the mirror. I then realized if I am too far behind him he will probably get mad at me.

I walked in not long after he did and he was facing away from me. It was beautiful. A huge white inside of a palace with waterfalls and statues. I was shocked, my attention was then thrown back to him when he said.

“slave! I expected you to do exactly what I say as soon as I say it with out hesitation or questions.” I nod but he can’t see me because he is turned away. He then turns to me with a furious look on his face.

“did you not hear me?!?” my eyes widened and I said fast.

“no I did! I’m sorry. I nodded”

“No excuses!” He walks up to me and I back up against a nearby wall. He looks down at me and says…

“Do you wish for me to kill you?” I look down and say in a soft voice.

“No”

“No what?!?”

“No master!” He then slaps my face, but it wasn’t as hard as the last time.

“Then do you understand what I had said.”

“Yes master.”

“good. don’t be foolish. I have no need for a foolish child.” I look up at him.

“uh…”

“what is it? This better not be a stupid question” I thought about it for a moment and then said.

“how old are you really?” he relaxed his face a little and said…

“my body is 18. I am very old, and that’s all you need to know.”

“ok” he glares at me and I said fast.

“ok master!” he then turns and starts walking.

“I’ll show you your room. We will never become close but I can either learn to hate you, or just not care, and trust me.” he looks at me and his eyes are now a yellow.

“you rather me just not care” I nodded my head yes and he kept walking. He walked past all the silver and white beauty and walked into a stone hall. I followed about 7 feet behind him as he walked. impossibly Light was around him as he walked, but from all that had happened it was easy to believe. He then stopped and opened a door.

He walked to the side and I looked into the room. It had old stone walls and dust everywhere. There were no windows and nothing in there other than an old thin bed with one blanket on it. The room made me feel sick and I thought of how long I would be stuck in there. He then says while pushing me into the room.

“when I need you for something I will call you. You will come either night or day whatever the reason you will come or be punished.” I then say in a soft voice…

“what if I can’t hear you?”

“you will always be able to hear me. I will be in your mind. But don’t ask questions until I give you permission to talk! Understand?!?”

“Yes master”

“good. Now sleep. It is late in the human world and I want you to be a little healthy at least.”

“yes master.”

“good. And understand this, you will learn very fast. By the end of this month you will either be completely miserable or just ok. You choose, because I can make your life a living hell.” he had nothing else to say so with a turn of his back I watch the door close magically without him touching it. I can feel my eyes fill up with tears. I fell on the worthless excuse for a bed crying my eyes out. I do not know if he can hear me but I do not care. I don’t remember falling asleep but a little later I can hear his voice in my mind.

“cccooommme tooo meee” my eyes shoot open and I sit up. Instantly I feel my head hurting. All the crap getting beat out of me was utterly painful and I can feel it the most now. I stand up and walk out. For some reason I know where he is.

I know exactly where he is even though I had never been in his house before. I walk in front of him. He is in a chair looking like a white sofa facing a waterfall. There was a draped white cloth over his body is exposing half his chest. I say in a very soft voice.

[gimmethattop]

Heh, well... I give people the advice I've always wanted to get. You didn't have to read it. Just thought knowing your mistakes might help you fix them.

[Green eyed goddess]

no i can handle it... thanks for letting me know..