mj_in_wonderlandXO
01-25-2007, 02:38 AM
"I Loved You"
I hate my body, I thought to myself, checking out my body shape in the mirror. It was ugly and fat. Not like how other put it, like a size 2 dress. I was fat, I hated my body, my life, and myself.
I had two friends. The best brother ever, Vince. He was so calm, and understanding, and he knew everything about me. Then, there is my best and only real friend, Matt Good. He was just amazing. He always knew how to make me happy, and he was my only friend, and I was his only friend. Everybody called us boyfriend and girlfriend. We always blushed madly whenever someone mocked our friendship. It was dumb, but whatever.
I tired to push all the fat down to see what it looked like. I grimaced as an idea popped into my head....no, I just couldn't, but I did. I made my way into my bathroom and got to my knees infront of the toilet. Leaning downward, I pulled my hair out of my face. My free hand rose up and I gawked at it for a moment. Was this a good idea?...It was the only way I thought would help me.
I took my hand, fingers first, and dodged them into my mouth. Fingers sliding down my throat as the bitter taste of my salty skin burned the back of my tongue. My eyes watered from the sting, and I gagged as I pushed my hands further back into my throat. I soon heard myself choking up....it was it. I leaned my head further towards the toilet and pulled my hand out of my throat, I threw up rapidly. My eyes watered as the impact effected me. It felt so new and lighter to me. After I was done, I stood myself up and washed up. I looked the same as I did before. Same clothes, make-up, same body........Nothing was changing as I raced back into the bathroom and forced my hands down my throat yet again and again, but nothing was working. I did it for a long period of time. After I cleaned up again, I gave up. THis stupid body would never change....it wasn't changing at all. All my emotions overpowered me.
I leaned myself against my bathroom wall and searched for my shaving razor, as I did I slowly slid out the blades. The glisten of the blades gave me shivers. I put it to my skin as tears fell down my eyeliner stained cheeks. Shuddering didn't help as I dragged the razors along my arm helplessly. All the pain felt so good to let out, nothing was helping me..nothing. Why wasn't anything working? I 've tried pills, diets, everything.......nothing could help me right now except for myself. I kept lacerating my skin in all directions. I couldn't stop. You would think the pain was unimaginable, but no. I honestly couldn't feel a thing. Pretty soon, I felt myself fall over onto the tile. The bathroom door was locked, I was alone all silent and watching my life fade out. Nobody was coming to my rescue. Nobody loved me, nobody will once i'm gone.....no one will miss me. I'm all alone. The last thing I knew before it all went dark was my scarlet blood dripping from my arms and legs and a voice screaming my name.....,"LIVIA!" Who was that voice?....Oh well, it all didn't matter anymore.
Oh no, I woke up. ****, I thought to myself, another failed attempt......
I looked around the white room I layed in. I was so weak and tired. I managed to turn my head to the side where my arm lay on an angle. Cut marks everywhere, but the only thing I could make out were words. Words carved into my arm. The words....Nobody loved me.
"Ah...."I whispered as I looked around again. It was all so bright. Who was that voice talking in the backround? It-It was the same voice from last night..I knew that voice, and I remebered what happemd last night.
10 hours ago....
I felt someone lift my body into their strong arms and hold me in a tight grip. I felt the tears of the stranger swim down his cheeks onto my face. The voice.....The voice it whispered....I couldn't remember...ugh, I just couldn't ****ing remember.
*Back to reality*
I heard footsteps make their way to my bedside. I looked up into amazing blue eyes. Black hair hung in his pale face, and eyeliner ran down those flustered cheeks. My eyes were barely open, I don't think he knew I was awake. It was him...it was Matt.
He was crying....for me?
His hand came over my cheek as he stroked it with his warm tough hands. All the feeling of his face seemed tough and stubborn, but looking into Matt's eyes gave the impression of sadness and fear as they glistened. He sniffed, I knew he was trying to be strong and emotionless, but the tears comletely gave it away.
His eyes made their way over to my arm that had the words carved in them. His expression just got softer and sadder in those eyes that twinkled.
He sighed coldly,"Livs....Don't take yourself away from me...I can't lose you, please don't die, Livia..."
I would respond if I could, but I couldn't. The pains from bloodloss were overpowering. His facial expression grew angry and hurt. "Olivia!,"he cried,"Please....I'm begging you...come back to me again, I'll make it all better, I promise!" He wailed as he put his hand over his mouth to try and stop himself from crying. He knew I was dying, and I knew it too. "Livs...,"he whispered,"Remember when we were kids and I said wherever you go, I go?"
There was an awkward pause as he cried,"Well, that promise I will not break...you go...I go. I always keep my word." Then to notice again that I couldnt answer him his gaze went to the words on my arm again. He paused and came closer to me as he leaned over my still body. He softly pressed his lips to mine."I loved you." he murmered as I felt it all fade out. All I heard was my life support go for a long pause and Matt whisper,"I love you,Livs,I'll see you in a little while..."
I hate my body, I thought to myself, checking out my body shape in the mirror. It was ugly and fat. Not like how other put it, like a size 2 dress. I was fat, I hated my body, my life, and myself.
I had two friends. The best brother ever, Vince. He was so calm, and understanding, and he knew everything about me. Then, there is my best and only real friend, Matt Good. He was just amazing. He always knew how to make me happy, and he was my only friend, and I was his only friend. Everybody called us boyfriend and girlfriend. We always blushed madly whenever someone mocked our friendship. It was dumb, but whatever.
I tired to push all the fat down to see what it looked like. I grimaced as an idea popped into my head....no, I just couldn't, but I did. I made my way into my bathroom and got to my knees infront of the toilet. Leaning downward, I pulled my hair out of my face. My free hand rose up and I gawked at it for a moment. Was this a good idea?...It was the only way I thought would help me.
I took my hand, fingers first, and dodged them into my mouth. Fingers sliding down my throat as the bitter taste of my salty skin burned the back of my tongue. My eyes watered from the sting, and I gagged as I pushed my hands further back into my throat. I soon heard myself choking up....it was it. I leaned my head further towards the toilet and pulled my hand out of my throat, I threw up rapidly. My eyes watered as the impact effected me. It felt so new and lighter to me. After I was done, I stood myself up and washed up. I looked the same as I did before. Same clothes, make-up, same body........Nothing was changing as I raced back into the bathroom and forced my hands down my throat yet again and again, but nothing was working. I did it for a long period of time. After I cleaned up again, I gave up. THis stupid body would never change....it wasn't changing at all. All my emotions overpowered me.
I leaned myself against my bathroom wall and searched for my shaving razor, as I did I slowly slid out the blades. The glisten of the blades gave me shivers. I put it to my skin as tears fell down my eyeliner stained cheeks. Shuddering didn't help as I dragged the razors along my arm helplessly. All the pain felt so good to let out, nothing was helping me..nothing. Why wasn't anything working? I 've tried pills, diets, everything.......nothing could help me right now except for myself. I kept lacerating my skin in all directions. I couldn't stop. You would think the pain was unimaginable, but no. I honestly couldn't feel a thing. Pretty soon, I felt myself fall over onto the tile. The bathroom door was locked, I was alone all silent and watching my life fade out. Nobody was coming to my rescue. Nobody loved me, nobody will once i'm gone.....no one will miss me. I'm all alone. The last thing I knew before it all went dark was my scarlet blood dripping from my arms and legs and a voice screaming my name.....,"LIVIA!" Who was that voice?....Oh well, it all didn't matter anymore.
Oh no, I woke up. ****, I thought to myself, another failed attempt......
I looked around the white room I layed in. I was so weak and tired. I managed to turn my head to the side where my arm lay on an angle. Cut marks everywhere, but the only thing I could make out were words. Words carved into my arm. The words....Nobody loved me.
"Ah...."I whispered as I looked around again. It was all so bright. Who was that voice talking in the backround? It-It was the same voice from last night..I knew that voice, and I remebered what happemd last night.
10 hours ago....
I felt someone lift my body into their strong arms and hold me in a tight grip. I felt the tears of the stranger swim down his cheeks onto my face. The voice.....The voice it whispered....I couldn't remember...ugh, I just couldn't ****ing remember.
*Back to reality*
I heard footsteps make their way to my bedside. I looked up into amazing blue eyes. Black hair hung in his pale face, and eyeliner ran down those flustered cheeks. My eyes were barely open, I don't think he knew I was awake. It was him...it was Matt.
He was crying....for me?
His hand came over my cheek as he stroked it with his warm tough hands. All the feeling of his face seemed tough and stubborn, but looking into Matt's eyes gave the impression of sadness and fear as they glistened. He sniffed, I knew he was trying to be strong and emotionless, but the tears comletely gave it away.
His eyes made their way over to my arm that had the words carved in them. His expression just got softer and sadder in those eyes that twinkled.
He sighed coldly,"Livs....Don't take yourself away from me...I can't lose you, please don't die, Livia..."
I would respond if I could, but I couldn't. The pains from bloodloss were overpowering. His facial expression grew angry and hurt. "Olivia!,"he cried,"Please....I'm begging you...come back to me again, I'll make it all better, I promise!" He wailed as he put his hand over his mouth to try and stop himself from crying. He knew I was dying, and I knew it too. "Livs...,"he whispered,"Remember when we were kids and I said wherever you go, I go?"
There was an awkward pause as he cried,"Well, that promise I will not break...you go...I go. I always keep my word." Then to notice again that I couldnt answer him his gaze went to the words on my arm again. He paused and came closer to me as he leaned over my still body. He softly pressed his lips to mine."I loved you." he murmered as I felt it all fade out. All I heard was my life support go for a long pause and Matt whisper,"I love you,Livs,I'll see you in a little while..."